http://www.makepovertyhistory.org

ricebowljournals.

20071109
'cause these are the days worth living, these are the years we're given.

and because i am so afraid of losing everything i have.
so afraid of forgetting everything when i have too much to think.
so afraid of waking up one day to find everything so grey.

TH DnD @ Fort Canning - Heroes the Showdown
with the D3 "slutty" everyday heroes, Street Fighters, mad scientists, pirates, Austin Powers & Mr Bean.

SH DnD @ Grand Copthrone Waterfront Hotel
with my darling girls from Sheares!

Arts Thank You Dinner @ Peninsula Excelsior Hotel
with my beloved House ICs & friends.and something quoted from Hock's blog from sometime back:

"Chonghan told me during O Week 2007 that house ics are like taps.

No matter how down or sad we may be deep down inside ourselves, when its time for action, we need to straightaway jump up and rara the houses or entire camp. Sometimes we put on a false front of laughter, craziness or a big grin, not becoz we are insincere, but becoz our job is to always brighten up the people around us. And to be professional and for the sake of our freshmen and councilors, we have to do that. =)

Maybe that explains why there's always a special bond among us, and how we can talk heaven and earth, even after fop haha. And i cant explain it, but i m always very happy when I m with either Chongz, Bobsie, Camy, Michelle, Xiao Indu or Julie."

he said it all, for me. (:

Orestes @ Harbourfront Dragon Gate Restaurant
with my freshies, councillors and fellow seniors, who never forgot me although i was never with them most of the time. and the 101 dishes ordered by Jerry and Jason.
D3 girls @ midnight kbox
with the silly antics by AnLi, the terrorising of the younger waiter, the dancing on the sofa, and the hundreds of dishes of snacks devoured by us.
JCRC dinner & Dina's birthday @ Sakura
with the good food and good company, and a treat from the President. and durian puffs! (:

Bao's ultra-belated birthday @ New York New York
with us being super gluttons for the night.
cupcakes from Hock.
and all our lovely Tuesday lunches. (:

TH Night Cycling - Put the Fun Between Your Legs!
starting point: TH
with the usual photo-whore session while waiting for departure. feels like the year ago, with the only difference in the creases of fatigue on our faces, and of course the shirt colour. haha.
1st stop @ Al Azaar
with the stupid actions that rendered the stares of the passers-by, and the discovery of Planta Prata! it's how nice can? and the pretty-to-look-at Bandung Dinosaur!

2nd stop - the killer overhead bridge & MacRitchie!
after the scare of the bike dying outside the cemetry. and us unintentionally making too much noise. and the A1 guys helping our all-girl group hoist our hefty bicycles across the bridge. and concussing at the reservoir.
3rd stop - Newton Circus
with us being so thirsty that we ordered 7 cups of drinks for 4 people. our satay and chicken wings. and the random uncle telling us that we should join the Olympics for cycling. HAHAHA.

destination: East Coast Park Jetty
all tired and aching badly. and a butt so sore that we couldn't even walk properly. TIRED!
Group 3!
D2 + D3 + E2 girls!
Eliza, Rachel, Anli, Shun, Veron, PJ, Julie, Fiona, Cheryl, Gwen, Ellen, Shuyan and Amelia!
with Shimin & Johnson, our heroes and guides. (:
Joanna's 21st birthday!
dinner @ Teahouse
good food after the long night of cycling.
the walk down Singapore River, ala tourists

drinks @ Eskibar

supper @ Sing's
with the usual gossips, with my favourite girls. (:
my wonderful groupmates for this semester!
the "chaokeng" EL1101E group 2!
with Ritchell, Audrey and Keps, and our usual curry don after tutorials! (:
the multinational PL3242 tutorial group mates!
one from England, one from China and three from Singapore!
and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, XINYU! (:

the little ones who bring some genuine carefree laughter to the corridors.
Bryan, Heidi & Dominic!

and lastly, this from Mummy.she is how cute can? it was raining, so she decided to pop by the Salvation Army next her workplace. and she saw this Kerropi for sale at $1. and so she bought it. and she blew it up to make sure it wasn't broken. and she propped in nicely on my bed, for me to discover when i return home for the weekend. and little things like this warm my heart. no matter what i have to go through here, and how people always say at least you learn and grow up from those, at least it comforts me to know that, somewhere, in some hearts, i will always be that little girl who loves her froggie so much that she lugs it everywhere she goes. (:

so much smiles & laughter.
but so much sorrow at the same time.

thank you for showing me that i am not alone in this world. for letting me know that should the world fails, there is someone i can turn to. although i can't, but still, thanks.

but open our hearts, and fill up the emptiness, with nothing to stop us.

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group1 soared @ 22:23

xoxo

20071018
until you're back here, baby.

only halfway through the week, but i already so drained. feeling thankful about slacker days in the later half of the week.

i'm glad that today's dinner turned out better than expected. the attendance was disappointing initially, but i guess there's beauty in small numbers too. cracked many jokes, and discussed few issues. didn't stuff myself silly with food, but i do love the durian puffs!

felt so sick during the day, and i think it can be largely attributed to my lack of sleep throughout the week. my sleeping hours (or the lack of?) are insane. Wednesdays are long 7-hour days, and we woke up specially early to meet up for our stats project. after english tutorial, i felt like dying. seriously dying. i was going blind in my left eye with that supposedly-better lenses. i felt cheated by the optician. and my stomach felt queasy. got back to hall and tried to catch a couple of winks, and i felt the palpitations again. it was slowing down so much that it was so scary. managed to sleep it away a little, and dragged myself to stats tutorial back again.

sometimes i just feel my body disintegrating by itself. and i don't know what to do.

my emotions have been on a roller-coaster ride. somehow i feel that i am just way too sensitive about things, and that's probably my Achilles' heel. i really should stop thinking so much about how things are, and stop putting so much emotional baggage on myself. i've told myself time and again that i should do so, but somehow it's really hard.

thinking about all these brings me so down. like how it has to come back again and again, to haunt me. i finally asked the question today. about how i was never given a choice. and once again, i was not given an answer. perhaps there's just no answer to it. that it was just meant to be, and the pages of my life are written as such.

i choose to think that there was a reason for this all. a few things i've discovered along the way, but i'm not entirely sure if this is it.

and no matter how i look at things, it seems just so unfair to me. to have so many passers-by in my life, but hardly anyone to stay. why is it that everytime my hopes get raised up high, only to find myself falling down again, and further than before?

nevertheless, i am thankful for the few happy moments, of rare time when i actually smiled from my heart. fleeting moments, too short to stay. but still, thanks.

can't help thinking about how life has been so unfair to me. but if i continue to dwell on it, i probably can't embrace these moments. so let go, girl.

sometimes all i really want is to be able to sit back and watch the world go by, while i relax and have some quality time of my own, in my own world. times like this have seen so rare, since forever.

you've been hiding in the shadows
have you forgotten how we used to dream
let me remind you
the light doesn't blind you at all
it helps you see
can you see

i can't.

a random and emo post. that's just how i've been for these days.

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group1 soared @ 01:14

xoxo

20070930
of life and love.

when memories get stirred up inside of me, i get such a confused feeling. a bittersweet one, like the salt ending of a Margarita, the push back to the starck harshness of reality.

such a love-hate relationship. i hated how it was, i hated what i went through. i hate the pain of picking up all the pieces after that. and i hated the brutality lashed out at me.

but i love it all the same. how we set out together. the days of laughter and fun in our little world. the little moments of joy we sought for amidst the craziness.

perhaps i'm amazed by myself for choosing this path again, after all that i went through. for being through it to know that i never want to do it again, but still sinking back down into it. perhaps i'm silly once again?

or maybe i've grown. to understand and expect, and to be better prepared for it. grown to know that this time round, it'll definitely be better.

it feels just like those times, when i slowly struggle to climb back up, to move on in a new embrace.

to think i was still wondering if i'm still left sunken in the debris of so many years ago. although the context might not be exactly the same, at least i know i've made progress. perhaps time is just not right yet, but it'll come.

has life taught me to how to love?
or has love taught me how to live?

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group1 soared @ 01:17

xoxo

20070918
week six.

feels like only a day has passed, but it's been so many weeks.
and feeling terribly drained, although this is only the start.

i'm amazed by my own abilities in running all over the place today to get the errands done. and capturing the unwanted attention from all the shopkeepers who probably thought i was insane.

the weight of the responsibility is starting to sink in. i'm can't help but feel a little afraid, but i'm thankful for the people who keep me going.

one term test down today! and one more to go before the term break.

stress makes me eat more. and i need to stop big time! i think i'm bursting out of my clothes soon.

still keeping faith, and hoping for the best from Him! (:

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group1 soared @ 23:02

xoxo

20070914
yet another start.

a few shots from some time back, that never fail to bring a smile to my face with their beauty in simplicity.

the sights in school can be quite pretty! taken from the Central Forum during Arts Camp when me and Chong took a breather from the crowd for a short rest. pretty little clouds. trees will fallen leaves. lots of concrete. but still pretty.

donuts from Alison! from across the Causeway, and it really brought a great big smile to my face, like that pink smiley donut! i love donuts! (:

Toadsie and Germ's piglet! so sweet right? (:

and so we embarked on a new journey, a new start. feeling excited with all the hype of it, but still, i'm pretty afraid. with all the thoughts that ran through me when i was still struggling to make up my mind, with all the burdens and emotional baggage from those previous commitments, and some truth that blew my morale quite a bit. but i guess this is a new journey, a new start and i should do my very best for it. there's no point in dwelling on how people judge me prior to this, and what matters most is how people will judge me after i complete doing all things that i've set out to this year.

and ultimately, the biggest difference is that i actually chose to do this. my decision, my choice. although i always get the feeling that we were cheated into doing so by the president. nevertheless, i did accept the nomination, stood up to rally and sat through all the vote-counting. this certainly makes a difference.

things were on a slow start, but i'm glad to see how it's all fitting into place nicely. and the dynamics of the people is definitely something i'm looking forward to. some new faces, and some of the usual ones. but all in all, i have great hopes for this.

and with this, time is going to be so tight once again.

sometimes when i look at the people around me, i feel so happy for them, but deep down inside, a little loneliness lurks around. perhaps i do miss the feeling of simply having someone to talk to, when you're happy, when you're sad, and even when you're angry. the sense of knowing that someone is always around for you, somewhere. someone who doesn't replace my beloved friends, but someone who is special in a different way.

it's been so long. a void that's been left empty for so long, and perhaps covered and blocked from sight by the many other things in my life.

i've seeked, but lost faith from so many forgotten promises. and the irony of my avoidance when i'm being sought for is something i can't explain. maybe i've just lost a direction.

and i can only hope to find it back.

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group1 soared @ 14:11

xoxo

20070724
lonelier, up there.

and i thought you were someone who understand.

there it goes
up in the sky
there it goes
beyond the clouds
for no reason why
i can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now.

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group1 soared @ 03:00

xoxo

20070613
say say say!

back from pre-camp! with a lil' sunburn, a breaking voice and a tired body!

it was quite an experience. nowhere like being a councillor, or OGL. like what i always say, i'm really SHY. haha. took a while to get warmed up for the pre-camp but thankfully, i've got a great partner and a great bunch of councillors! (: for all the great support they gave when i felt kinda stressed having to live up to expectations, which i think i have not, yet. i need to stop being so shy! (:

part of my Rumpa (house name creatively thought up by Chong)!

met up for a supposed Rooom Rooom dinner but there were only the 3 of us! the Botak Jones gang. haha. dinner at Ka Ching's fave XO fish soup place and dessert at HV Gelare. thanks guy for accompanying me back to school for the briefing! and Ellen for the night-long gossip! (:

and so i realised that life's much harder when you travel with so much baggage. and eventually it's ourselves who suffer. i got to learn to let go. no, i got to let go, 'cause i'm sure i know how to and that i can. i'll just let go and be myself, and to travel without those excess baggage, to be a happier me.

a little disappointed, but i've learnt that things might just be easier if i stop wanting. and the less i hope for it, the more pleasant it'll be when it comes. still keeping my fingers crossed. (:

in randomness, my hair sucks. ): please. grow. longer. and my eyes are tiny. they kind of shrunk along the year. ):

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group1 soared @ 22:01

xoxo

20070609
swaying, by myself.

just feel like laughing out loud at myself. at what a fool i've become over the years. at how i've learnt so much, and can yet be so stupid at the same time.

part of me wants to apologise, for all the stupid things i've done. for all the hurt i've given back, and for all the moments of silence i've initiated.

but part of me wants to continue walking on. to continue to pretend that everything's okay, to continue to keep myself in denial of more hurt. to say it's okay, life's great this way.

i've always been a living contradiction. wanting this, and doing the other. perhaps this is just one of the things i can never change about myself.

and the past lesson i've learnt, painfully. the lessons that built a complex wall of thorns around myself, one that even i cannot get past. it doesn't help, not at all.

i think that i can never be a great friend. not the type of friend you can keep for life. simply because i cannot sustain friendships. i cannot give enough time for everyone. i cannot remember everything about my friends. and i cannot balance my personal and work life well enough.

and so i guess it just boils down to me, myself and i. the stupid me. the foolish myself. and the imbecilic i.

i feel so empty. so empty when i saw your words. i don't know what else to say, and i don't know what to do.

perhaps silence will be the best words for us.
or perhaps it's just that i've been silent for all these years, that i don't know how to speak anymore.

if you can understand, you will understand.

-

don't stray
don't ever go away
i should be much too smart for this
you know it gets the better of me
sometimes
when you and i collide
i fall into an ocean of you
pull me out in time
don't let me drown
let me down
i say it's all because of you
and here I go
losing my control
i'm practicing your name
so i can say it
to your face it doesn't
seem right
to look you in the eye
let all the things
you mean to me
come tumbling out my mouth
indeed it's time
tell you why i say it's
infinitely true
say you'll stay
don't come and go
like you do
sway my way
yeah i need to know
all about you
and there's no cure
and no way to be sure
why everythings turned inside out
instilling so much doubt
it makes me so tired
i feel so uninspired
my head is battling with my heart
my logic has been torn apart
and now
it all turns sour
come sweeten
every afternoon

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group1 soared @ 21:44

xoxo

20070606
aloha world!

i'm struggling to keep my eyes open to complete this entry. because i'm just so so so tired. ):

sometimes i wonder if i'm insane. insane enough to go agree to so many different things. do i think that i have 48 hours a day? apparently not. i think i barely have 12 hours a day, considering how my days fly away one after another.

first things first, Rag. it's driving us crazy. well, at least i can vouch for the 3 static girls. we spent the past week having training (in cutting and pasting stuff). and we came up with calendars, hierachy trees, materials charts, a Rag sign and are now halfway through our door IDs. and we went to the libraries and bookshops for research. this is one of our proud products:

we spent about 4 whole days on this sign. the measuring and cutting part was madness. i guess we kind of overworked ourselves in the first week. it's only the first week and we're dying already. tell me how to survive the next 10 weeks.

and bad news of the year, marketing was thrown to us too. because we had no marketing personnel. marketing. think productions sets. man, it's like doing sets all over again. i've been rejected like 2509 times since yesterday when we first started calling. like Joshua says, it's like trying to ask someone out and being rejected right smack in the face. the feeling SUCKS. majorly. i'm feeling kinda depressed from all the marketing calls. ):

next up, arts camp. i seriously wonder if i can live up to the expectations, if there are any at all. feeling kinda scared actually. like, technically, i'm still a freshie! okay, maybe a stale freshie. but i'm so worried that i won't know enough or am not experienced enough to do what is asked of me. sighs. thankful for the friends who will be by my side. i hope everything turns out well! pre-camp's on next week! (:

that event. SIGHS. i couldn't reject it, and yet i wonder if i can really contribute to it. why must shitty things like this always happen to me? must. learn. to. say. no. it's so difficult to! i want to improve things but why do i somehow feel that i'll screw up and mess things up even more? how now brown cow?

tuition. it is madness. had a replacement class with some kids and i almost died. seriously. i just hope that i'll have enough energy to sustain this, at least for this rag period.

the love where the weakness lies. i can't believe that i've pushed it to so far behind my mind. too weak to maintain it, or to do anything more. i hope my decision goes fine.

and it was all too good to be true. thinking and seeing too much into things on the first time, and sinking too deep into it. never had such feelings for a long long time, and it does feel different this time round. i can only hope for my prayers to be answered. for me to be myself. and for good things to happen, if they are meant to be.

on a rollercoaster of emotions. up one moment, and down the next. i think i should learn to smile like this more.
struggling to stay strong in all,
juls

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group1 soared @ 00:10

xoxo

20070423
it's hard.

i can't seem to find the emotions i've lost. somewhere along the way. unknowingly.

when you said a joke, i laughed.
when you shared a sad piece of news, i mourned.
when you did the wrong things again, i was angry.

but only for a while.

there's a void where my heart used to be. a good enough reason to console myself for my complete lack of emotions.

i can't laugh heartily, because i know i'm not happy.
i can't cry my heart out, because i know i have to be strong.
i can't stay angry for long, because i know it's futile.

i guess that's what life has returned me for so long. a knowing that nothing matters, anymore. the knowing that i can only do so much, and get so little in return. little, not by materialistic standards. little, by standards that are barely enough to warm the heart and give reassurance. there's no point in doing anything, anymore.

it's hard to keep trying after you fall.

and will you bring a smile to my face, like how it used to be?

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group1 soared @ 23:54

xoxo

20070413
130407 - a Friday.

exams are coming in a week's time. and i'm finally able to settle down to study after conquering all these:
1. GEK1524 Test 1 (on 24th January)
2. PL2131 Homework Assignment (due 8th February)
3. GEK1524 Test 2 (on 14th February)
4. PL3235 Mid Term Test (on 26th February)
5. PL2131 Mid Term Test (on 1st March)
6. SC1101E Mid Term Test (on 7th March)
7. GEK1524 Test 3 (on 14th March)
8. PL3235 Gender Assignment 1 (due 15th March)
9. PL3235 Group Skit on Adult Attachment (on 15th March)
10. SW1101E Term Paper (due 21st March)
11. SC1101E Term Assignment (due 23rd March)
12. PL3235 Writing of Children's Storybook & Presentation (on 29th March)
13. GEK1524 Test 4 (on 4th April)
14. PL3235 Children's Storybook Review (due 5th April)
15. PL2131 Group Research Proposal (due 12th April)

the woes of a busy semester. i'm glad i'm reaching the end point soon.

but i wonder, do i still have strength left to carry on?

it rained. in my heart.

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group1 soared @ 15:53

xoxo

20070404
040407 - committees closing!

our candles went out as Master declared all committees for the year closed. (:

and i am a happy girl! (:

DEEblock committee.the girls! / Amos!
my neighbour DIANAsaur / the korean Minsun & PJ!

part of sets team - Willie, Dianasaur and me! (:

Weiliang and me. my face is not HUGE. it's his face that's SMALL. his face is TINY can? and i'm so much nearer to the camera! haha. he's my spastic friend who abuses me. ):

in hall lingo, i can officially BANG GANG! (:

and i hope my days won't be as CHUI anymore! thank God i survived! (:

1 last test down today. 1 paper due tomorrow and the last statistics paper due next Thursday. and then it's the full run for the exams! I. NEED. BETTER. GRADES. THIS. SEMESTER.

thanks for putting a good end to my day too. i'm glad you remembered. (:

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group1 soared @ 23:52

xoxo

20070403
030407 - my frog prince.

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group1 soared @ 23:05

xoxo