http://www.makepovertyhistory.org

ricebowljournals.

20071127
square one.

feeling so incompetent in trying to be a good child of God, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good leader, a good follower and a good student.

feeling so stifled in trying to live up to so many expectations still, at this point in time, where time is no longer under my control.

feeling so stifled in this place, so much that i want to run away.

but no matter how hard i try to, i'm still at square one, trying to do what you expect me to do.

doesn't anybody understand?

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group1 soared @ 02:41

xoxo

20071106
monday blues.

i am so TIRED of being tired of everything. tired of trying to live up to your expectations. tired of having to clear up the work for others. tired of helping you with your responsibilities. tired of making myself tired from things that aren't supposed to, and rendering myself too tired to do anything for myself.

and i am freaking tired of complaining on this space, as though there's nowhere else i can turn to.

perhaps it's a viscious cycle. like how i never share my thoughts on these to you. and so i seem like the worry-less and carefree little girl, who i am obviously not. and so, you can happily pile all your work on me, and think that it's perfectly okay and that i can cope well.

like how i asked Shun and PJ blatantly the other day. "do i look like an information counter? why do people ask me everything?" and yes, everything. everything in every single aspect of life. their answers made me think about how i am portraying myself to be. i think i should start looking less confident, because i really am not. i think i should stop answering questions, because i really can not.

so who do i turn to with my own questions?

myself? looking at how the world is treating me, yes, perhaps.

if i still have to reach out my hand to you when i'm shrivelling and shrinking deep inside, who is going to pull me back up when you don't give your hand in return?

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group1 soared @ 02:36

xoxo

20071024
rain stopped, but you're still around.

for the last time,

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

words that i wish i can have the strength and will to say in real life.

i hate being under the constant scrutiny of eveyone. like how i'm expected to be who they want me to be. to be this strong little girl who can brave the storms and still smile.

i really can't. and i don't want to anymore.

really. gimme a break.

i am human, like you. if you can't expect yourself to fulfil something, what makes you think i am capable of it?

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group1 soared @ 02:21

xoxo

20070816
heroes: the uprising.

hall bash @ Zouk. time flies so fast. and i can still remember the last hall bash @ Gotham Penthouse a year ago.

same group of people. but a different feeling altogether.

i'm thankful for my D3/E2 girlfriends for the company for the night! and of course the crazy RAG people who just wanted to get everything off our minds and heavy hearts. for the moments of "i'm not drunk, i'm not drunk!". for the two suppers of the night, at the prata shop where we tried to cheat the uncle of skyjuice, and back at Fong Seng. for the success in DnD committee. for the many drunkards that we had to send back to hall, even with some puke landing on my heels. for a great night, a good night that i've never had for so long. (:

my D3/E2 girls! (:

deeblockers, now and then!
Gwen & Fiona / the Korean
Diana & PJ / Veron


more deeblockers!
Amos / Guanyou
Weiliang / Zhihao


the RAGgers! (:
Diana, Germ, Jed Jed, Eliza & Charmaine / Shaokai & Ann Huat
with Chin Wei! / the head and the vice. (:


and the hallmates who helped so much for RAG! (:
Alwyn, the lorry driver / Jiting & Xianhong / Melvin, who spent so many late nights with us
Edmund, freshie & pageant finalist! / Luke! / Joanna
Stacey! / OC girls, Peini, An Li & Shunwei! / Meilin

a great night out, before going back to the nightmare.

i've been waking up with bad dreams of it. and yes, i should stop thinking about it. right now, i just want it to end. badly.

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group1 soared @ 14:57

xoxo

20070606
aloha world!

i'm struggling to keep my eyes open to complete this entry. because i'm just so so so tired. ):

sometimes i wonder if i'm insane. insane enough to go agree to so many different things. do i think that i have 48 hours a day? apparently not. i think i barely have 12 hours a day, considering how my days fly away one after another.

first things first, Rag. it's driving us crazy. well, at least i can vouch for the 3 static girls. we spent the past week having training (in cutting and pasting stuff). and we came up with calendars, hierachy trees, materials charts, a Rag sign and are now halfway through our door IDs. and we went to the libraries and bookshops for research. this is one of our proud products:

we spent about 4 whole days on this sign. the measuring and cutting part was madness. i guess we kind of overworked ourselves in the first week. it's only the first week and we're dying already. tell me how to survive the next 10 weeks.

and bad news of the year, marketing was thrown to us too. because we had no marketing personnel. marketing. think productions sets. man, it's like doing sets all over again. i've been rejected like 2509 times since yesterday when we first started calling. like Joshua says, it's like trying to ask someone out and being rejected right smack in the face. the feeling SUCKS. majorly. i'm feeling kinda depressed from all the marketing calls. ):

next up, arts camp. i seriously wonder if i can live up to the expectations, if there are any at all. feeling kinda scared actually. like, technically, i'm still a freshie! okay, maybe a stale freshie. but i'm so worried that i won't know enough or am not experienced enough to do what is asked of me. sighs. thankful for the friends who will be by my side. i hope everything turns out well! pre-camp's on next week! (:

that event. SIGHS. i couldn't reject it, and yet i wonder if i can really contribute to it. why must shitty things like this always happen to me? must. learn. to. say. no. it's so difficult to! i want to improve things but why do i somehow feel that i'll screw up and mess things up even more? how now brown cow?

tuition. it is madness. had a replacement class with some kids and i almost died. seriously. i just hope that i'll have enough energy to sustain this, at least for this rag period.

the love where the weakness lies. i can't believe that i've pushed it to so far behind my mind. too weak to maintain it, or to do anything more. i hope my decision goes fine.

and it was all too good to be true. thinking and seeing too much into things on the first time, and sinking too deep into it. never had such feelings for a long long time, and it does feel different this time round. i can only hope for my prayers to be answered. for me to be myself. and for good things to happen, if they are meant to be.

on a rollercoaster of emotions. up one moment, and down the next. i think i should learn to smile like this more.
struggling to stay strong in all,
juls

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group1 soared @ 00:10

xoxo

20070418
exam stress.

three more days to doomsday.
and a million more of material to get into my ever-puny brain.

futile attempts at studying. no seats at the library. unable to keep my eyes open. random tasks to do still. unable to wake up early. craving for home-cooked food. hates the hall food.

feeling the stress. but what am i doing?

RAHHHHHHHH. ):

): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ):

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group1 soared @ 00:57

xoxo

20070313
flu cough, go away.

sick. ):

and i have a test tomorrow, a presentation and a paper due Thursday, a paper due next Wednesday and a paper due next Friday. and a receipt to chase for, a meeting to attend, a meeting to hold, minutes to consolidate and an exhibition to take charge of. and soccer matches on Friday and next Monday.

can somebody just save me? or kill me to save me from this agony of being so tied down and yet not being well enough to do anything well.

for those who want to save me, i will appreciate:
a) a mug of hot milo to my room OR
b) hot supper to my room OR
c) sweet green grapes to my room OR
d) a big hug

for those who want to kill me, just go ahead.

thanks. ):

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group1 soared @ 23:57

xoxo

20070208
080207.

and i haven't started on any. sighs.so much for wanting to pull my cap up this semester. ):

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group1 soared @ 23:31

xoxo

20070201
010207.

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group1 soared @ 23:23

xoxo

20070130
300107.

i am stressed and tired. ):

suddenly i have like five million things on hand. deadlines just came pouring in and my hands are suddenly filled. somebody please save me.

my hallmates are saying that i look really tired. which amazes me 'cause i know i've been sleeping! well, maybe a few hours a day ain't enough but i do nap and i know that i'm not totally lacking in sleep. but today, when i woke up with a throbbing headache, i realised that it's not just about the number of hours of sleep, but of the quality of sleep.

when i sleep, i have the five million things going through my head. when i sleep, i can hear the footsteps down the staircase beside my room (can't people walk gently?). when i sleep, i can hear the breakfast truck, the comm hall uncles and even the cleaning lady. when i sleep, maybe i'm not sleeping at all?

sighs. no wonder i've been getting headaches for the past few days. and to think i attributed to the horrid sociology tutorial i've had and the bad weather.

i need a break. breaks for sale, anybody?

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group1 soared @ 23:28

xoxo

20070124
240107.

my FIRST test of this semester. 25% can? plus it's an engineering module! somebody kill me please! ):

Wednesdays suck. timetable for Wednesdays suck. ):

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group1 soared @ 08:06

xoxo

20070115
15012007.

yes, your eyes are not tricking you. i have a 3 day week! and i actually stay in hall.

argh. this was obviously not planned for! check out the chunk on Wednesdays man. i have to go from arts to engin, back to arts and have a miserable 1 hour lunch (do you still call it lunch at 3pm?) and back to engin again. i am so gonna die! the tutorial slot was meant to be on Tuesdays! but the wonderful tutorial balloting system has decided to fail me again this semester. argh argh argh.

i am angry! firstly, i need motivation to wake up on Tuesdays so that i won't sleep the day away without any lessons. and i need food on Wednesdays! maybe i should go to classes in my sports gear and attempt to run from faculty to faculty should the shuttle buses decide to fail me, like they away do.

sighs. and school is torturing us with the idea of planning your own future with your timetable and the deep despair you feel when you realise that sometimes, not everything is within your own grip.

this sucks.

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group1 soared @ 22:04

xoxo

20070112
omg school has started!

the holidays are over and school has started! i actually spent the entire holidays having countless trainings and building up on my tan. my goodness!

hockey's over and we got CHAMPION! (: lost to the rivals and clinched a second for touch. nevertheless, i think the girls all did a great job! (: i'm kinda glad that the games are over, and yet at the same time, i kind of miss playing hockey! it was so fun! (:

school has started and i got my five modules, although one of it wasn't the one i planned for. survived one week of school and so far, it's been good! i need to work harder this semester to pull my cap score up! ask me to study hard when you see me okay?

and please, stop commenting that i look like a charcoal! and stop asking me what happened! i've been questioned like 583972 times on why i look like i belong to another ethnic group now. i think i shoudl just record my reply and keep it on a recorded with me so that i can play it over and over again.

it's been a pretty rough week. i haven't felt so shattered in ages. like what Ellen mentioned on her blog, "love is your weakness", and i really really feel weak this time. faced reality, or rather it smashed right into my face. perhaps the good out of it is that i'm cherishing the other more and more and maybe that's what He planned for me? disappointment with myself aside, i'm equally disappointed in some other people. was it just a facade? you're just not being fair. but i guess that's life. and that's the harsh reality of life. oh well. at least i'm appreciating what i have more and more now. thanks for seeing me through this, my friends. (:

fridays are off for me and i'm back at home, lazing around. and the cold weather makes it good for sleeping! (:

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group1 soared @ 02:47

xoxo