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ricebowljournals.

20071207
sometimes we take a step back, but sometimes we have to move forward.

785 posts.

and 4 years, 5 months and 13 days.

it's been a nice place, this place.

but sometimes, some places, some things or some people hold too much memories. those of smiles, of life and of pain. and sometimes we just have to walk away from them.

perhaps i've been avoiding so much for all of my life. but i really tried. to no avail. tried desperately to understand things that i never will, and that i never should.

life gets a little simpler when we put some things down, to start all over again.

and so i'm moving on, to the simple life that i've always wanted. (:

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group1 soared @ 22:59

xoxo

20071127
square one.

feeling so incompetent in trying to be a good child of God, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good leader, a good follower and a good student.

feeling so stifled in trying to live up to so many expectations still, at this point in time, where time is no longer under my control.

feeling so stifled in this place, so much that i want to run away.

but no matter how hard i try to, i'm still at square one, trying to do what you expect me to do.

doesn't anybody understand?

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group1 soared @ 02:41

xoxo

20071109
'cause these are the days worth living, these are the years we're given.

and because i am so afraid of losing everything i have.
so afraid of forgetting everything when i have too much to think.
so afraid of waking up one day to find everything so grey.

TH DnD @ Fort Canning - Heroes the Showdown
with the D3 "slutty" everyday heroes, Street Fighters, mad scientists, pirates, Austin Powers & Mr Bean.

SH DnD @ Grand Copthrone Waterfront Hotel
with my darling girls from Sheares!

Arts Thank You Dinner @ Peninsula Excelsior Hotel
with my beloved House ICs & friends.and something quoted from Hock's blog from sometime back:

"Chonghan told me during O Week 2007 that house ics are like taps.

No matter how down or sad we may be deep down inside ourselves, when its time for action, we need to straightaway jump up and rara the houses or entire camp. Sometimes we put on a false front of laughter, craziness or a big grin, not becoz we are insincere, but becoz our job is to always brighten up the people around us. And to be professional and for the sake of our freshmen and councilors, we have to do that. =)

Maybe that explains why there's always a special bond among us, and how we can talk heaven and earth, even after fop haha. And i cant explain it, but i m always very happy when I m with either Chongz, Bobsie, Camy, Michelle, Xiao Indu or Julie."

he said it all, for me. (:

Orestes @ Harbourfront Dragon Gate Restaurant
with my freshies, councillors and fellow seniors, who never forgot me although i was never with them most of the time. and the 101 dishes ordered by Jerry and Jason.
D3 girls @ midnight kbox
with the silly antics by AnLi, the terrorising of the younger waiter, the dancing on the sofa, and the hundreds of dishes of snacks devoured by us.
JCRC dinner & Dina's birthday @ Sakura
with the good food and good company, and a treat from the President. and durian puffs! (:

Bao's ultra-belated birthday @ New York New York
with us being super gluttons for the night.
cupcakes from Hock.
and all our lovely Tuesday lunches. (:

TH Night Cycling - Put the Fun Between Your Legs!
starting point: TH
with the usual photo-whore session while waiting for departure. feels like the year ago, with the only difference in the creases of fatigue on our faces, and of course the shirt colour. haha.
1st stop @ Al Azaar
with the stupid actions that rendered the stares of the passers-by, and the discovery of Planta Prata! it's how nice can? and the pretty-to-look-at Bandung Dinosaur!

2nd stop - the killer overhead bridge & MacRitchie!
after the scare of the bike dying outside the cemetry. and us unintentionally making too much noise. and the A1 guys helping our all-girl group hoist our hefty bicycles across the bridge. and concussing at the reservoir.
3rd stop - Newton Circus
with us being so thirsty that we ordered 7 cups of drinks for 4 people. our satay and chicken wings. and the random uncle telling us that we should join the Olympics for cycling. HAHAHA.

destination: East Coast Park Jetty
all tired and aching badly. and a butt so sore that we couldn't even walk properly. TIRED!
Group 3!
D2 + D3 + E2 girls!
Eliza, Rachel, Anli, Shun, Veron, PJ, Julie, Fiona, Cheryl, Gwen, Ellen, Shuyan and Amelia!
with Shimin & Johnson, our heroes and guides. (:
Joanna's 21st birthday!
dinner @ Teahouse
good food after the long night of cycling.
the walk down Singapore River, ala tourists

drinks @ Eskibar

supper @ Sing's
with the usual gossips, with my favourite girls. (:
my wonderful groupmates for this semester!
the "chaokeng" EL1101E group 2!
with Ritchell, Audrey and Keps, and our usual curry don after tutorials! (:
the multinational PL3242 tutorial group mates!
one from England, one from China and three from Singapore!
and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, XINYU! (:

the little ones who bring some genuine carefree laughter to the corridors.
Bryan, Heidi & Dominic!

and lastly, this from Mummy.she is how cute can? it was raining, so she decided to pop by the Salvation Army next her workplace. and she saw this Kerropi for sale at $1. and so she bought it. and she blew it up to make sure it wasn't broken. and she propped in nicely on my bed, for me to discover when i return home for the weekend. and little things like this warm my heart. no matter what i have to go through here, and how people always say at least you learn and grow up from those, at least it comforts me to know that, somewhere, in some hearts, i will always be that little girl who loves her froggie so much that she lugs it everywhere she goes. (:

so much smiles & laughter.
but so much sorrow at the same time.

thank you for showing me that i am not alone in this world. for letting me know that should the world fails, there is someone i can turn to. although i can't, but still, thanks.

but open our hearts, and fill up the emptiness, with nothing to stop us.

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group1 soared @ 22:23

xoxo

20071106
monday blues.

i am so TIRED of being tired of everything. tired of trying to live up to your expectations. tired of having to clear up the work for others. tired of helping you with your responsibilities. tired of making myself tired from things that aren't supposed to, and rendering myself too tired to do anything for myself.

and i am freaking tired of complaining on this space, as though there's nowhere else i can turn to.

perhaps it's a viscious cycle. like how i never share my thoughts on these to you. and so i seem like the worry-less and carefree little girl, who i am obviously not. and so, you can happily pile all your work on me, and think that it's perfectly okay and that i can cope well.

like how i asked Shun and PJ blatantly the other day. "do i look like an information counter? why do people ask me everything?" and yes, everything. everything in every single aspect of life. their answers made me think about how i am portraying myself to be. i think i should start looking less confident, because i really am not. i think i should stop answering questions, because i really can not.

so who do i turn to with my own questions?

myself? looking at how the world is treating me, yes, perhaps.

if i still have to reach out my hand to you when i'm shrivelling and shrinking deep inside, who is going to pull me back up when you don't give your hand in return?

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group1 soared @ 02:36

xoxo

20071102
home sweet home.

after weeks of chanting "chi-beh-gu-gor-shi-por", i'm finally back home early on a Friday.

satisfied my week-long sushi craving at Suki Sushi without eating much sushi, walked around town and returned back home. had a sleep free from worry on my bed. dinner was good, with a round of big-screen TV, and newspaper to read at my convenience.

all these that i haven't had for so long. and how this has blurred my notion of time, that sometimes a week long can feel this long.

sadly, i gotta troop back tomorrow after tuition to study for my test.

):

Labels:

group1 soared @ 22:31

xoxo

20071023
rain, rain, go away.

it's been pouring non-stop since ten just now. the light trickle of the raindrops and the bursts of breezes, make it all so good for sleeping.

but unlucky me, i am up late studying for a test that i'm so gonna flunk tomorrow. AHHHHH.

so angry with myself. for not managing my time properly, as always. how many times have i told myself to start studying earlier, only to find myself with another panic attack on the eve of the paper. i never learn.

just like how i am told to improve on this and that for the game, but i am still so stagnant in my skills. i never learn.

and i'm feeling angry at so many times in my life right now.

at how i can't seem to get over it. at how i'm so weak at letting things haunt me again and again. at how we all belong to different parts of the world, and lead different lives, and our paths should have never crossed. i don't like your style, and i don't think you agree with mine. it was a mistake right from the start, perhaps on my part, or perhaps on your part.

at how your lack of consideration in your tone. i have my reasons for not obliging to your requests, and please respect my reasons, and not find something to put me down. i truly want to mind my own business, and i need to. whatever i do, i don't see how it affects you in any way; it's my business and it affects me. it's as if i'm lying that i need to do something just to get out of your way. and please, can you spare some thought for me with your requests? perhaps i'm being selfish, but sometimes i feel that i'm doing so much for you. i cannot even handle my own responsibilities, and i really don't want to start on yours. it's a fine line between helping friends and taking on certain responsibilities. i would love to help you, but sometimes i really can't. please respect me.

i think at some point in time, we all need to be alone. and i guess i've reached my point, for a long long time.

got chided by Mom for my lack in taking care of my health. for not managing my time well, and having to end up sleeping so little hours just to fulfil my commitments. i wonder how she knows how little i've been sleeping. hmmm.

one of the best things of being away from home is the realisation of how much your family truly matters to you. in the past year, i found love from my parents that i've always taken for granted when i was staying at home. and during the Rag period, the homesickness i felt for those six weeks was really hard to bear. and i still remember that Sunday after Rag that i finally headed home, after so long. Singapore is small, but not really, in my life.

and the sumptous meals waiting for me during the weekends. the prawns every week after i commented that i have never seen prawns in my entire year in hall last year. (:

it's only Monday, and i think i'm missing home again.

to think that i just frowned upon my friend's want to shift back home, i am actually thinking of it right now. i'm not very unhappy. it's just that sometimes some things are too hard to bear.

i kinda miss running into Diana's room in the middle of the night to rant. 'cause she'll always just listen to me, and attempt to crack some stupid joke to make me happier.
i miss the gossip sessions with my glue clan, 1/4 that is now in HK and the other 1/4 back home.
i miss the lunches with Marie and Weising; times when, in Sing's words, "make me feel that i have a life outside hall".

i need some time alone.

come again another day.
when i can enjoy you fully, in my dreams.

Labels:

group1 soared @ 03:30

xoxo

20071018
until you're back here, baby.

only halfway through the week, but i already so drained. feeling thankful about slacker days in the later half of the week.

i'm glad that today's dinner turned out better than expected. the attendance was disappointing initially, but i guess there's beauty in small numbers too. cracked many jokes, and discussed few issues. didn't stuff myself silly with food, but i do love the durian puffs!

felt so sick during the day, and i think it can be largely attributed to my lack of sleep throughout the week. my sleeping hours (or the lack of?) are insane. Wednesdays are long 7-hour days, and we woke up specially early to meet up for our stats project. after english tutorial, i felt like dying. seriously dying. i was going blind in my left eye with that supposedly-better lenses. i felt cheated by the optician. and my stomach felt queasy. got back to hall and tried to catch a couple of winks, and i felt the palpitations again. it was slowing down so much that it was so scary. managed to sleep it away a little, and dragged myself to stats tutorial back again.

sometimes i just feel my body disintegrating by itself. and i don't know what to do.

my emotions have been on a roller-coaster ride. somehow i feel that i am just way too sensitive about things, and that's probably my Achilles' heel. i really should stop thinking so much about how things are, and stop putting so much emotional baggage on myself. i've told myself time and again that i should do so, but somehow it's really hard.

thinking about all these brings me so down. like how it has to come back again and again, to haunt me. i finally asked the question today. about how i was never given a choice. and once again, i was not given an answer. perhaps there's just no answer to it. that it was just meant to be, and the pages of my life are written as such.

i choose to think that there was a reason for this all. a few things i've discovered along the way, but i'm not entirely sure if this is it.

and no matter how i look at things, it seems just so unfair to me. to have so many passers-by in my life, but hardly anyone to stay. why is it that everytime my hopes get raised up high, only to find myself falling down again, and further than before?

nevertheless, i am thankful for the few happy moments, of rare time when i actually smiled from my heart. fleeting moments, too short to stay. but still, thanks.

can't help thinking about how life has been so unfair to me. but if i continue to dwell on it, i probably can't embrace these moments. so let go, girl.

sometimes all i really want is to be able to sit back and watch the world go by, while i relax and have some quality time of my own, in my own world. times like this have seen so rare, since forever.

you've been hiding in the shadows
have you forgotten how we used to dream
let me remind you
the light doesn't blind you at all
it helps you see
can you see

i can't.

a random and emo post. that's just how i've been for these days.

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group1 soared @ 01:14

xoxo

20070930
of life and love.

when memories get stirred up inside of me, i get such a confused feeling. a bittersweet one, like the salt ending of a Margarita, the push back to the starck harshness of reality.

such a love-hate relationship. i hated how it was, i hated what i went through. i hate the pain of picking up all the pieces after that. and i hated the brutality lashed out at me.

but i love it all the same. how we set out together. the days of laughter and fun in our little world. the little moments of joy we sought for amidst the craziness.

perhaps i'm amazed by myself for choosing this path again, after all that i went through. for being through it to know that i never want to do it again, but still sinking back down into it. perhaps i'm silly once again?

or maybe i've grown. to understand and expect, and to be better prepared for it. grown to know that this time round, it'll definitely be better.

it feels just like those times, when i slowly struggle to climb back up, to move on in a new embrace.

to think i was still wondering if i'm still left sunken in the debris of so many years ago. although the context might not be exactly the same, at least i know i've made progress. perhaps time is just not right yet, but it'll come.

has life taught me to how to love?
or has love taught me how to live?

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group1 soared @ 01:17

xoxo

20070926
mooncake festival!


a wonderful day in hall despite the sweltering heat! was dying/melting in my room with my Bio Psych book, which looks like it's absolutely written in French to me. i had to re-read the lines over and over again, and still not understand them. and it doesn't help that the heat was enticing me to my bed and lala-land.

had a massive fogging exercise in hall due to the recent dengue cases! synchronised fogging was hilarious. we went around with our cans of Baygon and sprayed all over the rooms, toilets, kitchen, tv lounge and corridors. pest busters in the making! and we escaped when the external foggers came around. the plan was to chase the mosquito by our internal Baygon fogging, and kill them all with the external one. and it was a synchronised effort by us, our neighbour Eusoff and some private estate near West Coast. i think we just polluted the air of West today!

escaped to Holland V for dinner with the D girls, and 1 D guy. haha. dinner was good! a break away from school food. loithered around and finally headed back to hall to celebrate the day!

it was of mooncakes, lanterns, sparklers and fun people! at the hall carpark. plus alot of jumping attempts by us! a short celebration, but definitely enjoyable.

this reminds me that i need to lose weight. BIG time. double chin! flabs! AHHHHHHH. but i'm so weak when i see them! ):

feeling so tired everyday. there's so much to be done, but somehow i feel that there's so little i can do.

and i really hate it when there's no appreciation in anything, period. to get the blame of things when it's really not my fault. unless you fault me for taking the initiative to get things going to where they're supposed to? for doing something that nobody wants to.

i don't understand the world sometimes.
but then again, i think i never did.

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group1 soared @ 03:12

xoxo

20070921
SUPERHERO GIRL!

all i need is a good disguise
one where nobody can recognize
that i'm feeling so small
all i need is a secret weapon
i've gotta have faith
zapping monsters into outer space
i'm gonna be a Superhero

a SUPERcoincidence with my freshie! and i see that my "sticks-twist-sign-close-to-face" syndrome has spread beyond hall to the faculty. haha. the power of my influence.

little Superhero girl
save me

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group1 soared @ 03:26

xoxo

20070918
week six.

feels like only a day has passed, but it's been so many weeks.
and feeling terribly drained, although this is only the start.

i'm amazed by my own abilities in running all over the place today to get the errands done. and capturing the unwanted attention from all the shopkeepers who probably thought i was insane.

the weight of the responsibility is starting to sink in. i'm can't help but feel a little afraid, but i'm thankful for the people who keep me going.

one term test down today! and one more to go before the term break.

stress makes me eat more. and i need to stop big time! i think i'm bursting out of my clothes soon.

still keeping faith, and hoping for the best from Him! (:

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group1 soared @ 23:02

xoxo

20070914
yet another start.

a few shots from some time back, that never fail to bring a smile to my face with their beauty in simplicity.

the sights in school can be quite pretty! taken from the Central Forum during Arts Camp when me and Chong took a breather from the crowd for a short rest. pretty little clouds. trees will fallen leaves. lots of concrete. but still pretty.

donuts from Alison! from across the Causeway, and it really brought a great big smile to my face, like that pink smiley donut! i love donuts! (:

Toadsie and Germ's piglet! so sweet right? (:

and so we embarked on a new journey, a new start. feeling excited with all the hype of it, but still, i'm pretty afraid. with all the thoughts that ran through me when i was still struggling to make up my mind, with all the burdens and emotional baggage from those previous commitments, and some truth that blew my morale quite a bit. but i guess this is a new journey, a new start and i should do my very best for it. there's no point in dwelling on how people judge me prior to this, and what matters most is how people will judge me after i complete doing all things that i've set out to this year.

and ultimately, the biggest difference is that i actually chose to do this. my decision, my choice. although i always get the feeling that we were cheated into doing so by the president. nevertheless, i did accept the nomination, stood up to rally and sat through all the vote-counting. this certainly makes a difference.

things were on a slow start, but i'm glad to see how it's all fitting into place nicely. and the dynamics of the people is definitely something i'm looking forward to. some new faces, and some of the usual ones. but all in all, i have great hopes for this.

and with this, time is going to be so tight once again.

sometimes when i look at the people around me, i feel so happy for them, but deep down inside, a little loneliness lurks around. perhaps i do miss the feeling of simply having someone to talk to, when you're happy, when you're sad, and even when you're angry. the sense of knowing that someone is always around for you, somewhere. someone who doesn't replace my beloved friends, but someone who is special in a different way.

it's been so long. a void that's been left empty for so long, and perhaps covered and blocked from sight by the many other things in my life.

i've seeked, but lost faith from so many forgotten promises. and the irony of my avoidance when i'm being sought for is something i can't explain. maybe i've just lost a direction.

and i can only hope to find it back.

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group1 soared @ 14:11

xoxo

20070910
who am i? - Casting Crowns.

who am i?
that the Lord of all the earth
would care to know my name
would care to feel my hurt

who am i?
that the bright and morning star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wandering heart

not because of who i am
but because of what You've done
not because of what i've done
but because of who You are

i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapor in the wind
still You hear me when i'm calling
Lord, You catch me when i'm falling
and You've told me who i am
i am Yours
i am Yours

who am i?
that the eyes that see my sin
would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
who am i?
that the voice that calmed the sea
would call out through the rain
and calm the storm in me

i am Yours
i am Yours

whom shall i fear?
whom shall i fear?
'cause I am Yours
i am Yours

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group1 soared @ 02:32

xoxo

20070906
five loaves and two fishes.

a little boy of thirteen
was on his way to school
he heard a crowd of people laughing
and he went to take a look
thousands were listening
to the stories of one man
He spoke with such wisdom
even the kids understood

the hours pased so quickly
the day turned into night
everone was hungry
but there was no food in sight

the boy looked into his lunchbox
at the little that he had
he wasn't sure what good it'd do
there were thousands to be fed

but he saw the twinkling eyes of Jesus
the kindness in His smile
and the boy cried out
with the trust of a child
he said

"take my five loaves and two fishes
do with it as you will
i surrender
take my fears and inhibitions
all my burdens, all my ambitions
you can use it all, to feed them all"

i often think about that boy
when i'm feeling small
and i worry that the work i do
means nothing at all

but every single tear i cry
is a diamond in His hands
and every door that slams in my face
i will offer up in prayer

so i'll give you every breath that i have
O Lord, you can work miracles
all you need is my "Amen"

take my five loaves and two fishes
do with it as you will
i surrender
take my fears and inhibitions
all my burdens, all my ambitions
you can use it all
i hope it's not too small

i trust in You
i trust in You

take my five loaves and two fishes
do with it as you will
i surrender
take my fears and inhibitions
all my burdens, all my ambitions
you can use it all
no gift is too small

Labels:

group1 soared @ 03:34

xoxo

20070901
of the simple things in my life.

little things that finally put a genuine smile to my face, in such a long while.

it feels good to just let go of everything that was previously preoccupying my mind, and putting me through all the pain. it was hard to look at everything and have those thoughts come running back in a rush, but i found out that i can actually capable of doing it. and i do feel good about myself.

gave myself a break after completing whatever i still had on hand. a short break, but a good break. one that allows me to see everything in retrospect, without much emotional input.

and to all those who made it possible: my girls, my neighbours, my batchies. my friends. (:

block theme night with deeblock's victory. made my first ever kimchi fried rice. devoured it with vodka with the D3 girls. (:

met up with my Day 4 committee @ Fish&Co. three years of friendship, and i'm thankful for it. (:
bugis street with D3 girls. cheap dinner @ Ms Clarity, shopping and more shopping, and drinks at tcc. they made me laugh so hard, i swear i was bursting out of the chair.

dinner after service with seniors and juniors. (:

impromptu lunch with Marie, and shopping at my "Orchard Road" (i.e. my favourite Co-op and bazaar @ Central Forum). we have matching Patricks to hang on our bags! and i'm proud of my buys. haha. i love Orchard Road. (:

our much-awaited for steamboat @ D3! with some guest appearances from D2 and D4! bought too much food, ate too many fishballs, sotongballs, prawnballs, mushroom balls and whatever balls you can think of, drank too much malibu, and laughed too much. a pretty oily affair, but it was so good! (:

Convocation Dinner! together with Gwendo and Minsun, we the seafood ladies (so because PJ insisted that Gwendo looked like one in her polo tee and black skinnies, and we all had on the same outfit!) helped to serve food to the hightable and the uncle treated us to the ultra sinful brownie with ice-cream! the seniors looked so good in their gowns. and Master too! it feels so Harry Potter-ish. haha. we are now determined to graduate in hall (if we can survive!) so that we can get such treatment!

and a jog to West Coast and back with Jo and Minsun. took a slow walk through the park while taking in the fresh air filled with the greenness of nature's beauty. contradictingly, it was a relaxed jog.

a timely rest that kept me in perspective. which came just nicely, when i was at the brink of the peripheral, blinded without any direction, devoid of any emotions except hurt, and when i just lost myself. i found myself back.

decisions to be made, and i have it all in my head. i was hard on the determination to simply leave to seek back the life i had, but now i realised that this is what gives me life in some aspect. this is where i found so many smiles, amidst the few tears. it was hard when all was void and gloomy, but at my peak, i looked down and realised that roses, despite their thorns, are really pretty.

getting pricked was a painful lesson, but it didn't teach me to stay away from roses completely. sometimes, we just have to be a little more careful around ourselves, and we will still be able to bask in the beauty of these simple things life has to offer us.

hopefully, my roses will bloom. (:

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group1 soared @ 01:10

xoxo

20070829
and he said.

"you will accomplish much more through rest than you ever can by your efforts."
- Pastor Prince, 260807

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group1 soared @ 01:26

xoxo

20070826
lost, on this highway of choices.

blinded by the lights.
with no destination in mind.

i want to know where i'm heading.
i want to know what i'm doing.

and should i be left stagnant, i want to be happy. not happier, but happy.

Labels:

group1 soared @ 02:31

xoxo

20070824
fallen again.

just when i thought that i've rounded everything else up and am ready to get back up again, i stumbled across more thoughts and words that pierced me right through and through.

i guess it wasn't enough to simply bear the brunt of the defeat. it has become a personal attack, for the defeat to be solely attributed to my lack of leadership, my lack of capabilities and simply, my character. for it to fall because i have not done enough, because i have not contributed enough to even cry for it. for my tears to be seen as superficial, to be seen simply as trying to garner support from the people around me, in a bid to justify my position. for me to be seen as a useless person who caused the defeat. period.

i know that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and that i shouldn't be bothered by such remarks, but really, it's hard.

i've tried to be strong for so long. for much too long. but this time it really really hurts.

this is probably going to be seen as another damsel in distress bid to seek sympathy in their opinion. but i am not seeking sympathy. i do not want sympathy. i know that i did not do a good job. i cannot deny that it is not an easy job, which they might refute once again. but i guess ultimately, it's really my inability in that position. i've been up for so long, for so many times. but that time, i really felt useless. i really reached a standstill, and reached a point of complete loss. i do agree that i've not performed well for it. but i really did tried. i tried to push myself again and again. to push myself to get through it all, even though it was so hard and so lonely up there. i never gave up and quit, but instead i tried. and it does hurt so much to know that nobody sees that. to know that my trying is really not enough. to know that when i was struggling to keep everything going, nobody was really with me.

i really want to let my defenses down for once and break down. even if i am seen as using my tears to gain sympathy, i don't care. 'cause even the strongest walls can crumble under constant attacks. and i'm tired of being brave for so long. i'm tired of hiding my emotions. i tried, and i'm really tired.

this has been such a long journey. of being put to a job that i never ever imagined myself to be doing. of being put to such stringent tests that i'm constantly doubting myself. of bringing a team to defeat. of being personally attacked of being the cause of it all.

i've lost confidence in myself, so much that i can rebuke anything anymore. i just need my space, and my time to get my rest, and to get up from this hard fall.

i am only human. i have my feelings. i have my fears. and i have my weaknesses. and people don't cry for sympathy points. sometimes, people do cry when they are truly down. people do cry when they've been hurt. and people do cry when they simply can't take it anymore.

and i wonder, have i been too selfless such that i've brought this defeat unto the team? if i had said no right from the start for my own selfish reasons, things might have turned out better.

there are just so many things that happened within this span of one year here.

being pushed to so many responsibilities because there was no one else to do it.
having to take up so many roles because the votes came in that way.
going the mile to fulfil some standards that were simply expected of me.

and in return, i've only brought myself so much tears and pain.

once again, i have to make a decision. not for myself, but for someone else to be able to get going. are you being fair again?

it's not about how i feel.
about whether i want to take it up.
about whether it's the right position for me.
about whether i want to make this choice for myself.

instead, it is a matter of me having to take this particular role up so that the rest can get going to do what concerns them.

what about me?

it's been like this for so many times, and this time i'm really tired. i want to be selfish enough to say that i can't do it. i want to be selfish enough to reject anything that comes my way. i want to be selfish, for once.

and with everything that broke me down once again, it's gonna be hard for me to not be selfish. selflessness has a huge price to pay, and i don't have the strength to be up for it again.

i really really want my space and time away from everything. i've lost sight of my starting point with every fall i take, and i need to slowly pick myself up.

just give me back what has been taken away from me for once.

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group1 soared @ 23:52

xoxo

20070820
of a posh dinner, fireworks, zirkus@dxo and wonderful people.

had a lovely end to the hectic first week of school. the first week when we're still tied down with RAG cleanups, and the need to adjust back to school. with all the hustle of buying and selling textbooks, of settling tutorial slots and of attending the first lectures. and of course, to meet up with the people i've missed so much.

dinner @ Sha Villa with D3 girls
the great company for the night.

our food! crab cakes, chilled tomato soup, lamb chop, seabass, apple compote, and finally, coffee and tea! (:

with PJ's godbrother, who made the dinner possible. it's actually some project for the Shatec students, and we're there as guests so that they can be assessed on their skills! albeit a few plates dropping, the very noisy kitchen, over-enthusiastic waiters who caused a few laughs, it was a pretty enjoyable dinner!

and it was a beautiful night with these girls. (:

dinner @ Billy Bombers, and fireworks!
finally back together! after our holidays spent in UCLA, RAG and SWOC. (: and we had our share of both sea animals (i like!) and land animals (Weising likes!), with the seafood platter and grilled spring chicken. and a nice scope of B&J strawberry cheesecake to end it off.

we didn't plan for this, but we all had red shoes on!

a pleasant surprise we received from dining alfresco was the fireworks display! it was so pretty! and there were so many people!

i love the red fireworks! (:

and as you can see, it was a thumbs up night for us! (:

arts bash, Zirkus @ DXO
made my way over to DXO after the fireworks and boy, the crowd was huge. we almost got trampled to death on the way there. got a flower for one of my freshies from Rumpa! saw a few familiar faces here and there, but the main crowd wasn't around. cheered and shouted for my freshies. and although me and Shuning were at opposite ends of the club and we couldn't see each other, we most certainly heard each other loud and clear! (: it was fun while the mambo songs were playing with Ivan leading the crowd, but i left pretty early to retire for the night. this marks the end of projectsix for arts! and it's finally time for everyone to get a good good rest and to plunge into school.

and some photos from hall orientation, of my wonderful Dakarai mates! (:
the people who helped me so much along the way in RAG! and i'll remember how we did our Dakarai cheer on welcome ceremony night, as though we were freshies back in orientation once again! (:

it's times like this when i feel really blessed for the people i have around me. (:

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group1 soared @ 00:53

xoxo

20070814
journey ended, with apologies.

so it's all over.

a journey that started 11 weeks ago. a journey that started off well, but ended off in a painful way. a journey that was so long, too long.

11 weeks ago we embarked on a journey to bring triumph back to the hall. to build a float that will stand tall and proud, in the name of our hall. we gave our commitment to this project, a project that we call ours.

it all started off well, albeit being asked to do marketing, something that i'm not exactly fond of. it was hard having to beg people for the sponsorship of materials, but even harder when nobody understands why marketing takes time. when nobody understands that the materials don't appear in front of us with a click of our fingers. when nobody understands how hard it is to get certain materials, sometimes.

what i set off to find in this committee, i failed to, in the first few weeks. but i kept my spirits up by being the happier and more cheerful person in the committee. by talking to everyone else and making silly jokes during meal times. by being someone that i am really uncomfortable being. but still, i never found what i was searching for.

it was weird being in a committee without a head. without directions. without a goal. without anyone with a final say.

four weeks into the project, things got so messy that there was an immediate need to elect a head. it was hard for the seniors to have to chaperone us. and even harder for them to come running back whenever we have a problem, which we often do. we were locked into a room, and nominations were made and votes were casted.

sadly, my life crumbled down again that night. it happened too fast, and suddenly, i was heading this important project. i didn't agree to it, but neither did i disagree to it. we were whisked into a room to explain our new responsibilities, and only when we finally settled down in our room did everything sink in.

this huge responsibility, it's suddenly on my shoulders.

it was so hard to adapt. to have to give up so many things for this new responsibility. to forsake my tuition kids. to miss church service for so many weeks. to let go of soccer trainings. to lose the freedom to meet my family and friends. and eventually, to lose grasp of my own life.

the next seven weeks were tough. inexperience in this project struck us deeply, and we no doubt had to rely so much on the few seniors who came back to lend us a helping hand. and at times when we were alone, it was so hard to bear.

we tried to hang on for so long, until that day when harsh words simply met our ears.

"i think you all should just withdraw from this competition."

it was harsh, but it was the reality. one that we never dared to face for all this while. it gave us room to ponder upon, and it did strike us hard.

the next few weeks were tough, with some showing concern only for what they're doing, and not for the rest of the committee. with some insisting on their own ideas when it all didn't not flush well with the design. with some thinking that they're always right. with some thinking that help from freshies come naturally. with some saying so many wrong things, at so many wrong times. with a committee of people stubborn in their different ways.

"why do you have so little confidence in the committee? what makes you think we can't complete the float?"
"do whatever you wish!"
"my CCA is as important to me as this is important to you."

thousands of such statements lashed out at me, and all i could was to brace it and move on. i couldn't be affected, cause i had to be around to keep the committee running.

and the million external changes from the organising committee didn't serve to help much, at all. it was so hard trying to plan to get so many people and props halfway across the island in a single night.

the final two weeks were tough. in the hands that reached out to help, i found the true hearts of people. and in the hands that chose to slacken amidst them all, i lost hope in all.

it's not that i don't want to, but it was hard trying to get people to come down to help. how can i get people to come down to help people who don't even want to help themselves? how can i allow people to help ease this responsibility that ought to be taken on by us? it just wasn't fair.

an emotional and painful final two weeks. and i've never felt lonelier before. they say it's lonelier up there, and for once, i do agree with this. with the lies and excuses i heard again and again, i lost more hope.

D-day drew nearer, and in a blink of the year, we were right there, waiting for our presentation. the comparison to other halls was painful. it was a long day, but now it feels so short. and before long, our five minutes were over. at the prize presentation, we failed to bring triumph back to the hall once again.

i failed.

when i dropped my tears finally, it was definitely mixed emotions. i was happy that we managed to send a complete project to the very grounds for presentation. but i was sad that we fell short of the standards. i was angry that nobody else in the committee seemed to feel anything for it. and i was sorry for failing the hall, in front of so many people.

i'm sorry that i suck as the head. sorry for being so incapable of making great decisions and setting a direction for the committee. sorry for my lack of talent in good designs to awe the judges. and sorry for my lack in confidence, and the lack of hope i had in myself.

i wanted to stand up and make decisions. but without the experience, i feared for the decisions i make.
i wanted to take control over the people. but without the right authority from the start, it was way out of control for me.
i wanted to make myself useful as a head. but i was so lost, with everything dumped onto me, that i had not enough time to find out how to, and when i finally did, it was all too late.

there were so many things that i wanted to do, and so many great hope that i had. but with each passing day and time, i stopped being able to do so many things. there were other things that i had to take charge of, things different from what others did, and things that others never realised i was doing.

i should have just refused the appointment right from the start. it might have been selfish, but perhaps it would have given the hall a greater chance in winning an honour back for the people. the appointment is too high for me, and way beyond my capabilities.

in retrospect, it was simply a mistake for me to not refuse it. i tried my very best, but when you know your very best falls so short of the standards, it's futile. i'm just not cut out for this job. and i've never felt so useless in my entire life.

it was hard enough carrying this blame on my shoulders. but what broke me most was the lack of appreciation from these very people who made me feel so useless. for trying so hard, to my best abilities, but still being seen as not trying at all by them. for putting myself through the ardous journey only to discover my incapabilities, when all i had to do was to let go and leave because nothing gets appreciated anyway.

i am disappointed by my own lack of abilities. for being so useless. for being a failure, and for letting a whole hall down with my incapabilities.

and on top of that, i feel more useless in the knowing that the many things i've done are actually insignificant, and to realise that there is really so little that i can accomplish.

i know i'm gonna take a long long while to get over this. to try to bring myself up from this wreck that i am in. i can't even look at anyone's eyes and smile anymore, because i've let so many people down with what i cannot do. i will try to bring myself up, and i need time.

i'm really sorry for doing such a lousy job.

sorry.

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group1 soared @ 01:18

xoxo