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20071207
sometimes we take a step back, but sometimes we have to move forward.

785 posts.

and 4 years, 5 months and 13 days.

it's been a nice place, this place.

but sometimes, some places, some things or some people hold too much memories. those of smiles, of life and of pain. and sometimes we just have to walk away from them.

perhaps i've been avoiding so much for all of my life. but i really tried. to no avail. tried desperately to understand things that i never will, and that i never should.

life gets a little simpler when we put some things down, to start all over again.

and so i'm moving on, to the simple life that i've always wanted. (:

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group1 soared @ 22:59

xoxo

20071127
square one.

feeling so incompetent in trying to be a good child of God, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good leader, a good follower and a good student.

feeling so stifled in trying to live up to so many expectations still, at this point in time, where time is no longer under my control.

feeling so stifled in this place, so much that i want to run away.

but no matter how hard i try to, i'm still at square one, trying to do what you expect me to do.

doesn't anybody understand?

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group1 soared @ 02:41

xoxo

20071120
in the midst of exam prep, and so i turned 20.

20 with a big 2. welcome to the club, said many.

a little scary to think of how time flies sometimes. not too old, but definitely not as young as before.

the second birthday i spent in hall, surrounded by the merciless books. the span of one year, and the many things that happened.

thanks dear all for the blessings! (:

to Mom, Dad, Don, Winnie and Anna. for the wonderful lunch and dinner. i overeat every weekend at home. for the donation towards Buy-Julie-A-iPod-Classic-fund, the shirt and the shoes! (: and the coffee cream cake.

to my d3 darlings! Ellen, Cynthia, Anli, Veron, Minsun, Gwen, Joanna, PJ and Shunwei. for the FROGGIE birthday celebration. the dimsum lunch, the grocery shopping, the taping of cardboard over my door, the throwing of rubbish into my room (from my window which i stupidly forgot to shut), for the 19 real frogs, and the Boston chocolate cake. haha. for the many surprises! (: and Veron, for the fat-ass Toady. (:

to Guanyou for risking your life and being Spidey in climbing from D1 to my room, throwing rubbish in and kidnapping my Toadsie. and to Weiliang and Ben Tan for standing and laughing ah.

to the 20th JCRC for the surprise. Alvin, Amos, Adelene, Andy, Dina, Hongyi, WeiLiat, Minsun, Shiau Chui and Kwan Aik. haha. for a moment i really thought Alvin wanted to discuss stuff. (:

and all the rest who wished me!
Jiayi, Yvonne Eng, Dorlisa Mdm, Ying Sheng, Derek, Gwendoline Bing Bing, Eugene, Joan, Suyee, Diana Yu, Daryl, Jeremy Tay, Poh Boon, Yuhui, Guang Cheng, Evonne, Shi Ting, Bao Ling, Michelle Lim, Leon, Ethel, Marie, Jianfu qL, Ritchell, Yaozhi, Chen Lim, Mark, Wei Sing, Charmaine Ong, Leonard, Craig, Jorin Mdm, Stephen, Jieying, Kahwei, Joshua, Eliza, Germaine, Yongxue, Shermaine, Wilberlyn, Yayi, Tien Kwan, Vanessa, Berton, Jeanne, Benedict, Hanns, Liyana, Alison, Wendy, Chung Yen, Xingyu, Miaoxin, Benjamin and Rachel.

and the ones who wrote on my cardboard door!
CG, Gracia, Phae Sia, Douglas, Daniel Xia, Kaiwen, Jerry, Yingqian, Seehow and Rui Hoong.

thanks all for making my day special. (:

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group1 soared @ 02:24

xoxo

20071109
'cause these are the days worth living, these are the years we're given.

and because i am so afraid of losing everything i have.
so afraid of forgetting everything when i have too much to think.
so afraid of waking up one day to find everything so grey.

TH DnD @ Fort Canning - Heroes the Showdown
with the D3 "slutty" everyday heroes, Street Fighters, mad scientists, pirates, Austin Powers & Mr Bean.

SH DnD @ Grand Copthrone Waterfront Hotel
with my darling girls from Sheares!

Arts Thank You Dinner @ Peninsula Excelsior Hotel
with my beloved House ICs & friends.and something quoted from Hock's blog from sometime back:

"Chonghan told me during O Week 2007 that house ics are like taps.

No matter how down or sad we may be deep down inside ourselves, when its time for action, we need to straightaway jump up and rara the houses or entire camp. Sometimes we put on a false front of laughter, craziness or a big grin, not becoz we are insincere, but becoz our job is to always brighten up the people around us. And to be professional and for the sake of our freshmen and councilors, we have to do that. =)

Maybe that explains why there's always a special bond among us, and how we can talk heaven and earth, even after fop haha. And i cant explain it, but i m always very happy when I m with either Chongz, Bobsie, Camy, Michelle, Xiao Indu or Julie."

he said it all, for me. (:

Orestes @ Harbourfront Dragon Gate Restaurant
with my freshies, councillors and fellow seniors, who never forgot me although i was never with them most of the time. and the 101 dishes ordered by Jerry and Jason.
D3 girls @ midnight kbox
with the silly antics by AnLi, the terrorising of the younger waiter, the dancing on the sofa, and the hundreds of dishes of snacks devoured by us.
JCRC dinner & Dina's birthday @ Sakura
with the good food and good company, and a treat from the President. and durian puffs! (:

Bao's ultra-belated birthday @ New York New York
with us being super gluttons for the night.
cupcakes from Hock.
and all our lovely Tuesday lunches. (:

TH Night Cycling - Put the Fun Between Your Legs!
starting point: TH
with the usual photo-whore session while waiting for departure. feels like the year ago, with the only difference in the creases of fatigue on our faces, and of course the shirt colour. haha.
1st stop @ Al Azaar
with the stupid actions that rendered the stares of the passers-by, and the discovery of Planta Prata! it's how nice can? and the pretty-to-look-at Bandung Dinosaur!

2nd stop - the killer overhead bridge & MacRitchie!
after the scare of the bike dying outside the cemetry. and us unintentionally making too much noise. and the A1 guys helping our all-girl group hoist our hefty bicycles across the bridge. and concussing at the reservoir.
3rd stop - Newton Circus
with us being so thirsty that we ordered 7 cups of drinks for 4 people. our satay and chicken wings. and the random uncle telling us that we should join the Olympics for cycling. HAHAHA.

destination: East Coast Park Jetty
all tired and aching badly. and a butt so sore that we couldn't even walk properly. TIRED!
Group 3!
D2 + D3 + E2 girls!
Eliza, Rachel, Anli, Shun, Veron, PJ, Julie, Fiona, Cheryl, Gwen, Ellen, Shuyan and Amelia!
with Shimin & Johnson, our heroes and guides. (:
Joanna's 21st birthday!
dinner @ Teahouse
good food after the long night of cycling.
the walk down Singapore River, ala tourists

drinks @ Eskibar

supper @ Sing's
with the usual gossips, with my favourite girls. (:
my wonderful groupmates for this semester!
the "chaokeng" EL1101E group 2!
with Ritchell, Audrey and Keps, and our usual curry don after tutorials! (:
the multinational PL3242 tutorial group mates!
one from England, one from China and three from Singapore!
and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, XINYU! (:

the little ones who bring some genuine carefree laughter to the corridors.
Bryan, Heidi & Dominic!

and lastly, this from Mummy.she is how cute can? it was raining, so she decided to pop by the Salvation Army next her workplace. and she saw this Kerropi for sale at $1. and so she bought it. and she blew it up to make sure it wasn't broken. and she propped in nicely on my bed, for me to discover when i return home for the weekend. and little things like this warm my heart. no matter what i have to go through here, and how people always say at least you learn and grow up from those, at least it comforts me to know that, somewhere, in some hearts, i will always be that little girl who loves her froggie so much that she lugs it everywhere she goes. (:

so much smiles & laughter.
but so much sorrow at the same time.

thank you for showing me that i am not alone in this world. for letting me know that should the world fails, there is someone i can turn to. although i can't, but still, thanks.

but open our hearts, and fill up the emptiness, with nothing to stop us.

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group1 soared @ 22:23

xoxo

20071106
monday blues.

i am so TIRED of being tired of everything. tired of trying to live up to your expectations. tired of having to clear up the work for others. tired of helping you with your responsibilities. tired of making myself tired from things that aren't supposed to, and rendering myself too tired to do anything for myself.

and i am freaking tired of complaining on this space, as though there's nowhere else i can turn to.

perhaps it's a viscious cycle. like how i never share my thoughts on these to you. and so i seem like the worry-less and carefree little girl, who i am obviously not. and so, you can happily pile all your work on me, and think that it's perfectly okay and that i can cope well.

like how i asked Shun and PJ blatantly the other day. "do i look like an information counter? why do people ask me everything?" and yes, everything. everything in every single aspect of life. their answers made me think about how i am portraying myself to be. i think i should start looking less confident, because i really am not. i think i should stop answering questions, because i really can not.

so who do i turn to with my own questions?

myself? looking at how the world is treating me, yes, perhaps.

if i still have to reach out my hand to you when i'm shrivelling and shrinking deep inside, who is going to pull me back up when you don't give your hand in return?

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group1 soared @ 02:36

xoxo

20071102
home sweet home.

after weeks of chanting "chi-beh-gu-gor-shi-por", i'm finally back home early on a Friday.

satisfied my week-long sushi craving at Suki Sushi without eating much sushi, walked around town and returned back home. had a sleep free from worry on my bed. dinner was good, with a round of big-screen TV, and newspaper to read at my convenience.

all these that i haven't had for so long. and how this has blurred my notion of time, that sometimes a week long can feel this long.

sadly, i gotta troop back tomorrow after tuition to study for my test.

):

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group1 soared @ 22:31

xoxo

20071024
rain stopped, but you're still around.

for the last time,

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

words that i wish i can have the strength and will to say in real life.

i hate being under the constant scrutiny of eveyone. like how i'm expected to be who they want me to be. to be this strong little girl who can brave the storms and still smile.

i really can't. and i don't want to anymore.

really. gimme a break.

i am human, like you. if you can't expect yourself to fulfil something, what makes you think i am capable of it?

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group1 soared @ 02:21

xoxo

20071023
rain, rain, go away.

it's been pouring non-stop since ten just now. the light trickle of the raindrops and the bursts of breezes, make it all so good for sleeping.

but unlucky me, i am up late studying for a test that i'm so gonna flunk tomorrow. AHHHHH.

so angry with myself. for not managing my time properly, as always. how many times have i told myself to start studying earlier, only to find myself with another panic attack on the eve of the paper. i never learn.

just like how i am told to improve on this and that for the game, but i am still so stagnant in my skills. i never learn.

and i'm feeling angry at so many times in my life right now.

at how i can't seem to get over it. at how i'm so weak at letting things haunt me again and again. at how we all belong to different parts of the world, and lead different lives, and our paths should have never crossed. i don't like your style, and i don't think you agree with mine. it was a mistake right from the start, perhaps on my part, or perhaps on your part.

at how your lack of consideration in your tone. i have my reasons for not obliging to your requests, and please respect my reasons, and not find something to put me down. i truly want to mind my own business, and i need to. whatever i do, i don't see how it affects you in any way; it's my business and it affects me. it's as if i'm lying that i need to do something just to get out of your way. and please, can you spare some thought for me with your requests? perhaps i'm being selfish, but sometimes i feel that i'm doing so much for you. i cannot even handle my own responsibilities, and i really don't want to start on yours. it's a fine line between helping friends and taking on certain responsibilities. i would love to help you, but sometimes i really can't. please respect me.

i think at some point in time, we all need to be alone. and i guess i've reached my point, for a long long time.

got chided by Mom for my lack in taking care of my health. for not managing my time well, and having to end up sleeping so little hours just to fulfil my commitments. i wonder how she knows how little i've been sleeping. hmmm.

one of the best things of being away from home is the realisation of how much your family truly matters to you. in the past year, i found love from my parents that i've always taken for granted when i was staying at home. and during the Rag period, the homesickness i felt for those six weeks was really hard to bear. and i still remember that Sunday after Rag that i finally headed home, after so long. Singapore is small, but not really, in my life.

and the sumptous meals waiting for me during the weekends. the prawns every week after i commented that i have never seen prawns in my entire year in hall last year. (:

it's only Monday, and i think i'm missing home again.

to think that i just frowned upon my friend's want to shift back home, i am actually thinking of it right now. i'm not very unhappy. it's just that sometimes some things are too hard to bear.

i kinda miss running into Diana's room in the middle of the night to rant. 'cause she'll always just listen to me, and attempt to crack some stupid joke to make me happier.
i miss the gossip sessions with my glue clan, 1/4 that is now in HK and the other 1/4 back home.
i miss the lunches with Marie and Weising; times when, in Sing's words, "make me feel that i have a life outside hall".

i need some time alone.

come again another day.
when i can enjoy you fully, in my dreams.

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group1 soared @ 03:30

xoxo

20071018
until you're back here, baby.

only halfway through the week, but i already so drained. feeling thankful about slacker days in the later half of the week.

i'm glad that today's dinner turned out better than expected. the attendance was disappointing initially, but i guess there's beauty in small numbers too. cracked many jokes, and discussed few issues. didn't stuff myself silly with food, but i do love the durian puffs!

felt so sick during the day, and i think it can be largely attributed to my lack of sleep throughout the week. my sleeping hours (or the lack of?) are insane. Wednesdays are long 7-hour days, and we woke up specially early to meet up for our stats project. after english tutorial, i felt like dying. seriously dying. i was going blind in my left eye with that supposedly-better lenses. i felt cheated by the optician. and my stomach felt queasy. got back to hall and tried to catch a couple of winks, and i felt the palpitations again. it was slowing down so much that it was so scary. managed to sleep it away a little, and dragged myself to stats tutorial back again.

sometimes i just feel my body disintegrating by itself. and i don't know what to do.

my emotions have been on a roller-coaster ride. somehow i feel that i am just way too sensitive about things, and that's probably my Achilles' heel. i really should stop thinking so much about how things are, and stop putting so much emotional baggage on myself. i've told myself time and again that i should do so, but somehow it's really hard.

thinking about all these brings me so down. like how it has to come back again and again, to haunt me. i finally asked the question today. about how i was never given a choice. and once again, i was not given an answer. perhaps there's just no answer to it. that it was just meant to be, and the pages of my life are written as such.

i choose to think that there was a reason for this all. a few things i've discovered along the way, but i'm not entirely sure if this is it.

and no matter how i look at things, it seems just so unfair to me. to have so many passers-by in my life, but hardly anyone to stay. why is it that everytime my hopes get raised up high, only to find myself falling down again, and further than before?

nevertheless, i am thankful for the few happy moments, of rare time when i actually smiled from my heart. fleeting moments, too short to stay. but still, thanks.

can't help thinking about how life has been so unfair to me. but if i continue to dwell on it, i probably can't embrace these moments. so let go, girl.

sometimes all i really want is to be able to sit back and watch the world go by, while i relax and have some quality time of my own, in my own world. times like this have seen so rare, since forever.

you've been hiding in the shadows
have you forgotten how we used to dream
let me remind you
the light doesn't blind you at all
it helps you see
can you see

i can't.

a random and emo post. that's just how i've been for these days.

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group1 soared @ 01:14

xoxo

20071004
a certified life saver.

i am!
and we all are. (:

JCRC outing to the blood donation drive in school. haha. wanted it to be an initiation for us, to all go "shed some blood", but most of them couldn't make it. anyway, it was a good experience today! the waiting time was short and the refreshments was SO good! haha. piping hot milo and pastry! unlike the packet milo and biscuits back in JC. haha.

it's my 5th donation! =D everytime i go for a donation, i'll remember how i felt when i fainted after my first ever donation. and i'll be so scared that history will repeat itself again! but so far for the four times after, things are looking good. so i guess i'm a stronger and healthier person now! haha.

in other words, i think i'm much fatter. staying in hall makes me fat. all the weight lost in Rag has come back to me! ARGH! i've decided to declare my diet plans on this space. haha. so people, please tell me to stop eating and start jogging!

=D

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group1 soared @ 18:02

xoxo

20070930
of life and love.

when memories get stirred up inside of me, i get such a confused feeling. a bittersweet one, like the salt ending of a Margarita, the push back to the starck harshness of reality.

such a love-hate relationship. i hated how it was, i hated what i went through. i hate the pain of picking up all the pieces after that. and i hated the brutality lashed out at me.

but i love it all the same. how we set out together. the days of laughter and fun in our little world. the little moments of joy we sought for amidst the craziness.

perhaps i'm amazed by myself for choosing this path again, after all that i went through. for being through it to know that i never want to do it again, but still sinking back down into it. perhaps i'm silly once again?

or maybe i've grown. to understand and expect, and to be better prepared for it. grown to know that this time round, it'll definitely be better.

it feels just like those times, when i slowly struggle to climb back up, to move on in a new embrace.

to think i was still wondering if i'm still left sunken in the debris of so many years ago. although the context might not be exactly the same, at least i know i've made progress. perhaps time is just not right yet, but it'll come.

has life taught me to how to love?
or has love taught me how to live?

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group1 soared @ 01:17

xoxo

20070926
mooncake festival!


a wonderful day in hall despite the sweltering heat! was dying/melting in my room with my Bio Psych book, which looks like it's absolutely written in French to me. i had to re-read the lines over and over again, and still not understand them. and it doesn't help that the heat was enticing me to my bed and lala-land.

had a massive fogging exercise in hall due to the recent dengue cases! synchronised fogging was hilarious. we went around with our cans of Baygon and sprayed all over the rooms, toilets, kitchen, tv lounge and corridors. pest busters in the making! and we escaped when the external foggers came around. the plan was to chase the mosquito by our internal Baygon fogging, and kill them all with the external one. and it was a synchronised effort by us, our neighbour Eusoff and some private estate near West Coast. i think we just polluted the air of West today!

escaped to Holland V for dinner with the D girls, and 1 D guy. haha. dinner was good! a break away from school food. loithered around and finally headed back to hall to celebrate the day!

it was of mooncakes, lanterns, sparklers and fun people! at the hall carpark. plus alot of jumping attempts by us! a short celebration, but definitely enjoyable.

this reminds me that i need to lose weight. BIG time. double chin! flabs! AHHHHHHH. but i'm so weak when i see them! ):

feeling so tired everyday. there's so much to be done, but somehow i feel that there's so little i can do.

and i really hate it when there's no appreciation in anything, period. to get the blame of things when it's really not my fault. unless you fault me for taking the initiative to get things going to where they're supposed to? for doing something that nobody wants to.

i don't understand the world sometimes.
but then again, i think i never did.

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group1 soared @ 03:12

xoxo

20070921
SUPERHERO GIRL!

all i need is a good disguise
one where nobody can recognize
that i'm feeling so small
all i need is a secret weapon
i've gotta have faith
zapping monsters into outer space
i'm gonna be a Superhero

a SUPERcoincidence with my freshie! and i see that my "sticks-twist-sign-close-to-face" syndrome has spread beyond hall to the faculty. haha. the power of my influence.

little Superhero girl
save me

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group1 soared @ 03:26

xoxo

20070918
week six.

feels like only a day has passed, but it's been so many weeks.
and feeling terribly drained, although this is only the start.

i'm amazed by my own abilities in running all over the place today to get the errands done. and capturing the unwanted attention from all the shopkeepers who probably thought i was insane.

the weight of the responsibility is starting to sink in. i'm can't help but feel a little afraid, but i'm thankful for the people who keep me going.

one term test down today! and one more to go before the term break.

stress makes me eat more. and i need to stop big time! i think i'm bursting out of my clothes soon.

still keeping faith, and hoping for the best from Him! (:

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group1 soared @ 23:02

xoxo