20070518
in loving memory of you and you, my friends.left us in the glory of the nation, 11th May 2007.
my college mate. my fellow CCA leader. my AB campmate. my fellow AB camp instructor. my friend. your departure came as a shock to me. news of it came late 'cause i was away, and it was intentionally held from me because i wasn't able to take yet another shock. but now i've taken it. i haven't seen you since that night when Victor played in Momo. that night when i appeared with my other friends and hardly had time for you and Victor. i can still remember the scene vivdly, where we were perched up on the high chairs and talking. topics then revolved around the universities we'll be heading to. and like me, you have a place in arts. you planned to major in psychology too, right? that was the night. we parted and spent the night in the presence of our other friends. and that was the last time i saw you.our friendship was short. it started all in college, when we still had those CCA heads meetings with Miss Siau. the workshops we had and the lil' bonding sessions. AB camp brought us closer together, and i'll always remember the jokes you said in attempts to brighten our moods during the draining camp. i can still hear your voice in my head. the way you spoke was different; your voice was unclear at times, but we always understood what you meant.
you were always giving your all for council. i always see you hanging around the council room till the sun sets and it gets all dark and scary in school. you with the rest of the student councillors, smiling and laughing despite the huge burden on your shoulders. and i'll remember how you always greet me cheerfully along the corridors of the college, without fail.
you are always so committed. and now, you gave your last commitment to the nation. you let go of many other commitments - your family, your friends and your future ahead, but i know at least, you gave your best even to your very last breath. that's something you will be proud of, and that's something we should all be proud of for you.
there are so many times when i thought i saw you in varsity. there's this guy who looks just like you, but everytime i take a second look, i know you're not the one. he just doesn't greet me the way you do. but i'll never get the chance to see you in varsity.
i'll miss you, and all the memories we've had in our laughter, tears and sweat during the good ol' CCA leaders days in AJC. i believe you're resting in a good place now, and you are, and will always form a part of the memories i hold about college.
goodbye, Isz.
departed peacefully surrounded by his loved ones, 13th May 2007
Alex Sir. there're so many things that i want to say to you, but i just didn't have the chance to. so many questions that i want to ask you, but before i could open my mouth to ask, you lost your ability to answer.Sir. always my FADIS Sir whom i look up to. you were fierce and all, pumping us in the public in the wee hours of the night. making us carry all the stretchers and first aid kits while marching around SAFTI. and you always stood up for us. to the army guys who always tried to talk to us and disturb us during our duties. to the personnel who bullied us during National Camp. you always fought for our rights.
and there was another side of you. the playful side of you, who was always thinking of fun things to do during our training days. and how you and the other sirs partied the night away during our passing out, right there in Haw Par Hall with a disco ball and dance music. and how you never failed to tease me about every gram of weight that i've put on. and how you always gave me that look. i can't really describe it, but it was a look between us. maybe a lil' secret we shared when we found out about our mothers' friendship? and the nice side of you, the you who bought us cheng teng during National Camp when we were all suffering.
i can still remember the way you walk, the little sashay you always have in your strides. the way you talk, the serious straight tone at times and the teasing joking tone at others. the way you laugh, the way you simply throw your head backwards and laugh heartily.
i just want you to know that i've always looked up to you for being such a great fighter, and you've shown your resilience to the very last second. you've been brave to endure through the numerous battles life has put you through. when you finally gave up and passed on, i know you haven't. you were just brave enough to choose another path, to go to a more peaceful place, away from this ugly world.
i'm sorry that i didn't get to see you for a last time. for that Sunday when i couldn't make it down to the hospital. for being at the airport, departing when i saw the message about your critical conditions. for being far away in another land when i learnt about your passing on. i'm sorry, i really am. i hope you heard the words Joan conveyed to you for me.
Alex Sir, i'll miss you. i'll keep the lil' photos i have and the lanyard and trophy from FADIS, for these are the memories i have of you, Sir. i hope life's great up there, the way you will like it to be. please don't forget us when you're partying up there and looking down on us. Sir, thank you for all the great life lessons you've taught me.
goodbye for one last time, Alex Sir.
life has a great way of playing tricks on me. two pieces of heartbreaking news when i was away from the country. Abba Father, are you taking the physical pain of me being present away? i don't know. i felt so sucky in Korea. so sucky in front of the computer when i learnt about Alex Sir's passing on. so sucky when all i could do was to drop my tears silently in front of the computer, away from the rest. so sucky when i stood outside the dorm room, the only place where i could be alone, and cried my heart out in the freezing cold. so sucky when i broke down again in the room and lost my voice to pray for him. so sucky when i had to smile and laugh and enjoy the trip like i should, even when i get reminded of him at times. so sucky when after hours of touching down, i learnt about Isz's passing on. so sucky when it happened so long ago, but i only knew about it now because one piece of bad news was enough for me and i was supposed to be on holiday. so sucky when i had to flip back the old newspapers to find out what happened. so sucky to know that suddenly, i've lost two dear friends in my life. so sucky to know that i didn't even get to say goodbye to both of them.
what exactly is life putting me through? by taking something away, and giving something else. the letter about the TA arrived when i was away. i saw the email about a change of date in the scholarship presentation but i wasn't too sure. and it was a day after i formally learnt about Alex Sir's passing on. and i tried to keep myself in denial. so it came. and they're offering it to me. it's something i so desire. but i can't find the joy now. and to look back, i know i enjoyed the trip. but it's now hard for me to not associate the pain of loss to the trip.
i feel so lost. is happiness of a constant quantity? that we must give up some in order to achieve others? i don't understand. i need a good rest, to sort out my thoughts, to find a way out of this maze. i'm sorry if i appeared too emotional, but this pain is really hard to bear.
guys, i miss you two so.
Labels: beyondwords
group1 soared @ 00:54
xoxo
20070515
Day 6 in Korea.second last day here in this fantastic place. a lil' update on some fantastic stuff:
1. the weather. it's so cooling and nice! except that we're not very used to it and our faces are cracking.
2. the service. it's worth 80% service charge if you compare it to our homeland's 10% and still the lack of good service!
3. the shopkeepers. they're really friendly even if you don't buy anything! except for one place though. but the rest were good! you just have to say kamsahamada (thank you) to them and they'll give you the most brilliant smile ever!
4. the goods. face shop, missha kinda shops are cheap here! but the food and transport's a lil' pricey!
5. the guys. they're all cute and emo! haha. enough said.
went to Everland yesterday and my insides are kinda jumbled up now. the rides were too SCARY. my goodness. i thought i was flying out of the Rolling-X-Train, the roller coaster. and that 360 degrees turning thing. my goodness.
today's a day of shopping! (:
goodbye, my friend. i'm sorry i didn't get to see you for one last time, but your smile will always be in my heart. goodbye.
Labels: beyondwords, korea
group1 soared @ 11:02
xoxo
20070514
wishing that.i'm back in Singapore.
i'm sorry. i really am.
and i'll be missing you. badly.
Labels: beyondwords
group1 soared @ 00:25
xoxo
20070513
3rd day in Korea.freezing day in Korea! stupid idea of the girls to wear denim skirts to look pretty. haha. we almost froze to death on the streets of Seoul.
we did some shopping yesterday! and we had Krispy Kreme! loving it totally. visited some Da-Ching-Jin-lookalike palace today. and yes, we've had lots of kimchi for the past 3 days and it's actually not too bad!
a photo of our guesthouse that i stole off the website. haha. it's the one on the right. and our room's D201, again. haha. the toilet really sucks. it's so red-cross-campsite-ish! RAHHHHH.4 more days left. time flies. more updates soon! everyone is queueing to use the computer!
i hope it's just a false alarm. i hope you're fine.
Labels: beyondwords, korea
group1 soared @ 00:55
xoxo
20070510
greetings from Seoul!hallo hallo! anneohhahseyo~ i'm in the land of kimchi right now! and yeaps, i've took kimchi for lunch and dinner today!
day 1 was good. the weather's wonderful. cooling, and sunny all at the same time. it gets a little chilly at times but we have our trusty jackets! here's what happened today! touched down safely in Seoul, missed our stop because we fell asleep on the bus, walked and took the subway with our luggages, checked into our hostel, Windroad Guesthouse, a lil' disappointed with the toilets but it's not too bad overall, went out for lunch, came back to sleep, went for some sightseeing, wonderful pork bbq dinner, walked around some night market with a million LV bags and adidas shoes and now we're back in the hostel!
the time's 1 hour later than Singapore time so it's 0048hrs, 11th May in Seoul right now. the girls are upstairs resting and showering while the guys are drinking beer, eating chips and chatting to the rest of the foreigners in the guesthouse.
we're having fun! photos aplenty, but we can't upload it. ):
a piece of not-so-good news when i was at the airport. let's all have faith and continue praying. things will get better.
alright, a note on the computer says "for the guest, use 30 minutes." more updates soon! (:
love, from day 1 in Seoul. (:
Labels: beyondwords, korea
group1 soared @ 23:42
xoxo
20070503
liberation, but only for a while.i need to say this out loud.
EXAMS ARE OVER!
okay, actually it was over 2 days ago on Monday. i'm a little anti-climatic and slow you see.
anyways, i'm absolutely wonderfully happy because it's over! it's been a real torture. goodbye Social Work and Sociology! welcome Psychology! and goodbye forever, Engineering. i hereby salute all Engineering students. how on earth can they major in that? goodness me.
heading out to KFC after the headache-y Social Psychology paper. it gave me the throbs. and the hall i took the paper in was terrible! it was really cold and there was some funny sounds coming from the lights/air-conditioner. and the seats were low! oh well.
heeheehee. I FINALLY ATE BOTAK JONES! -grinns- my Cajun Chicken! it's really good! the fries are a tad spicy though. but GOOD! can't wait for the Ricola dinner for more of Botak Jones. why is it called Botak Jones? is the boss a botak?
i really went crazy while studying. and my Korean friend taught me how to make funny (scary?) faces. haha. absolutely ugly but that's how i am when i'm deep in my books.
my BING BING cookie from Gwendoline! love the crooked smile.as i entered and left the examination halls, i didn't feel as scared as i was the previous semester. i felt, normal. the papers weren't a breeze, at all. they were quite killer-ish actually. but i simply can't find a reason for my lack of emotions. it's like i know i am scared, but i don't feel fear. i know i am unprepared, but i don't feel anxiety. i know i'm happy after the paper, but i don't feel any happier. perhaps the void really does exist, and in every part of me.
so the exams are over. and soon i'll be a 2nd year student. and, in the exact words, a "returning senior" for hall. haha. it feels so weird. i mean, it feels as though my freshie year has barely started. i remember waiting anxiously for my letters of acceptance from the universities, visiting the open houses, the interviewand ultimately, the decision. orientation camps, shifting in to hall and the start of the academic year. and now it's all over. so soon, too soon.
more photos from backlogs.
tcc-ed at Circular Road. on the day my heart sunk to an unretrievable level. perhaps it was the overwhelming emotions on that particular day that made me indifferent today. perhaps. i am thankful for those updates for the times when i was studying in hall. and i prayed for him during our nightly exam prayers. yes, he'll be fine. (:
"floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
touch me, trust me, savour each sensation...."
THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! i must blog about this before i forget. a once-in-a-lifetime experience! the show was simply, orgasmic. although we were seated right up at the top because we're poor kids. but it was a good view! there was a live band playing below the stage! and my breath was taken away right from the very first scene. how the monkey musical box came to life, although i don't really fancy it because it's pretty freaky. how the chandelier came to life and hovered above the rich people who bought the front seats. ): how they sailed across the labyrinth, as though the entire stage was on water. how the candles came on and flicker in the dark. how majestic the scenes were, complete with the backdrops and the quick sets change. how pretty the costumes were. how clear and resounding the voices were. how everything just came to life, and how it was so real. i felt like i was transcended back in time and space, right to where and when everything took place. how it was so far away, but yet so near. how the very presence of the Phantom gripped me with fear. the setting of an operahouse within an operahouse, how complicated but yet simple.
i love every single minute, every single second of the show. and if you haven't caught it, please do! the cheapest tickets will do if you're not picky and if you have spectacles or lenses to rectify your myopia. it's something you can never miss. and i'm thankful for the company! i was so depressed when nobody wanted to make solid plans for this. and i would have lived in regret for the rest of my life if i had given it a miss. thanks!
finally, my post-exam activity! our BIG bang day! with Ellen and new-found friend, Melissa. (: it all started with suggestions to walk to City Hall because we have all the time in the world. 3 months to be exact. haha. yes, for the uninformed, that's the length of our school holidays. theirs, but not mine. explanations in future entries! eventually we took a bus and a train. haha. went to Bras Basah (is that how you spell it? the first word looks wrong. haha.) and got my book! Winnie gave me some ten bucks voucher and i only paid $6.80 for my paperback! (: and i pre-ordered my Harry Potter book too. i almost missed it by a day.
our highlight of the day was the DHL hot-air balloon. but when we went, it was closed for maintenance and we were so disappointed. but patient us waited at Mos Burger and chatted about everything under the sun. and finally, our patience paid off and we went on our hot-air balloon! my first ever hot air balloon ride! and we had boarding passes and annoucements to report for departure, just like a real flight!
we went 40 storeys up and had a breathtaking view of the city. the blinding lights, the busy traffic and the buildings, resting for the day. and as the wind blew against our faces, it felt like true liberation. there couldn't have been any better way than this to mark an end to the exams and the academic year.
dinner was at Sakae, Ellen's very first. haha. good food, and of course good company. i'm thankful for the day! for a wonderful friend, and another one made. (: thanks girls!
will be shifting out of my current room next week. and today, i spent so long packing! there're so many things in that tiny space! i can't imagine packing my home should we shift in the near future. after packing everything, it looks just like how it was a few months ago, when i had just shifted in.
it looks the same. but it's certainly not the same.
many things that i want to say, but i'll need time to collect my thoughts. i'll say them, someday. (:
and happy thing of the day: i dyed my hair black! jet-black. sparkling black. black black. (: Lay Joan, your twin is back in Singapore! :P
(:
sidenote: i just read through my entry before publishing and i realised the pendulum of emotions swung from end to end throughout the entry. i guess that's just how i've been for the past few weeks.
Labels: beyondwords, friends, hall, kaleidoscope, school
group1 soared @ 01:30
xoxo
20070414
flowing emotions.i don't know how, or where to place my emotions.
i saw you, lying on the bed. you looked just like how you did the last time i saw you. it was at Wala Wala, i remember. you looked the same, if i can choose to ignore the tubes sticking out from you and the swelling that, thankfully, is going down.
i looked at Poh Boon and he looked back at me. we didn't know what to do. i took your hand and prayed for you. i called out to Him to bring you to recovery. i hope you heard it.
tears welled up uncontrollably in my eyes. but i fought them back bravely. in the hope that you can sense it. that you can sense the strength you have always taught us to have. you are strong. and this is the time for you to show your strength.
it's a real irony. how you have always been the one scolding us. how you put us into pumping position in the wee hours of the night at Sembawang Park. how you scolded us while passersby looked on. how you made us march with the first aid kits and stretchers down the roads in Safti. how you could go on and scold us, Saturday after Saturday. and now? we're scolding you. scolding you to wake up. for the drinks you haven't had with us. for the dinners you haven't had with us. for her who is waiting by your bedside for you. for your family who needs you. for so much more. you must wake up to scold us back okay?
i'm amazed by my own flow of emotions even though we don't have a rich history in friendship to speak about. if it hurts this much for me, i can't imagine how it is for the others. i don't know how to console you all, because i can't console myself. i can only offer a hug to you, a hug to show that i know what you're going through.
i think i sound silly. and i think that when you read this after you wake up, you are so going to laugh at me. at my silliness. and tease me with your mean comments like how you did when i was still your cadet.
fight on. we are all waiting for you.
Labels: beyondwords
group1 soared @ 23:36
xoxo
20070413
a prayer for you.i couldn't believe my eyes when i saw the instant messages sent by the batchmate. it was 1.11am i remember. i had a long day. and it was all too sudden. we did not know the severity of the situation, and neither did we know that there you are, struggling.
reality struck me once more when i reached home today. a simple question of "where's Mom?" brought the world down on me. Mom was out visiting her friend's son, and yes, that's you.
i can still remember how we discovered this beautiful coincidence. how you were that instructor that i never dared to talk to during those Saturdays. how you were always scolding us, and moulding us. how you were always up there, as though you were in a different realm from me. until that housewarming party. when Mom opened your room door. and the room filled with the other instructors alongside you beheld me. and how you stared at me with those eyes.
from an instructor to a friend. for all these years.
we never talked much, because deep down in my heart, a fear of you still lingers around. it's a form of respect that i've always given you.
and i never expected that this fear has transmuted. to a fear of harsh reality. to a fear of loss. to a painful fear.
dear Father Lord,
today, as i get down on my knees to pray, Lord, i'm praying on the behalf of the others who are with him and holding on with him. Lord, i just want to thank You for seeing him through thus far, and for the strength You've given in him to hang on. Lord, i pray that You will continue to lead him and to guide him, and to let him know that he must hang on for the people around him, and more importantly, for himself. he has always been a fighter. a brave one. one who never fails to protect us from the ones with bad intentions. and i pray for You to bring his fighting spirit before him, and that he will fight his way through and gain victory. Lord, i pray that he will get out of the critical condition soon, and that he will wake up. because we are all waiting for him, Lord. and there are things that he is waiting for. Lord, i pray for him to emerge victorious. i pray for his healing. i pray for his awakening. and i pray for his well-being. and Father Lord, i thank you.
in Jesus' name i pray, Amen.
- Isaiah 53:5
and you will be healed. and i'll keep you in prayer.
i feel a little scared. but i have faith in your recovery.
Labels: beyondwords
group1 soared @ 22:51
xoxo