20070824
fallen again.
just when i thought that i've rounded everything else up and am ready to get back up again, i stumbled across more thoughts and words that pierced me right through and through.
i guess it wasn't enough to simply bear the brunt of the defeat. it has become a personal attack, for the defeat to be solely attributed to my lack of leadership, my lack of capabilities and simply, my character. for it to fall because i have not done enough, because i have not contributed enough to even cry for it. for my tears to be seen as superficial, to be seen simply as trying to garner support from the people around me, in a bid to justify my position. for me to be seen as a useless person who caused the defeat. period.
i know that everyone is entitled to their own opinions and that i shouldn't be bothered by such remarks, but really, it's hard.
i've tried to be strong for so long. for much too long. but this time it really really hurts.
this is probably going to be seen as another damsel in distress bid to seek sympathy in their opinion. but i am not seeking sympathy. i do not want sympathy. i know that i did not do a good job. i cannot deny that it is not an easy job, which they might refute once again. but i guess ultimately, it's really my inability in that position. i've been up for so long, for so many times. but that time, i really felt useless. i really reached a standstill, and reached a point of complete loss. i do agree that i've not performed well for it. but i really did tried. i tried to push myself again and again. to push myself to get through it all, even though it was so hard and so lonely up there. i never gave up and quit, but instead i tried. and it does hurt so much to know that nobody sees that. to know that my trying is really not enough. to know that when i was struggling to keep everything going, nobody was really with me.
i really want to let my defenses down for once and break down. even if i am seen as using my tears to gain sympathy, i don't care. 'cause even the strongest walls can crumble under constant attacks. and i'm tired of being brave for so long. i'm tired of hiding my emotions. i tried, and i'm really tired.
this has been such a long journey. of being put to a job that i never ever imagined myself to be doing. of being put to such stringent tests that i'm constantly doubting myself. of bringing a team to defeat. of being personally attacked of being the cause of it all.
i've lost confidence in myself, so much that i can rebuke anything anymore. i just need my space, and my time to get my rest, and to get up from this hard fall.
i am only human. i have my feelings. i have my fears. and i have my weaknesses. and people don't cry for sympathy points. sometimes, people do cry when they are truly down. people do cry when they've been hurt. and people do cry when they simply can't take it anymore.
and i wonder, have i been too selfless such that i've brought this defeat unto the team? if i had said no right from the start for my own selfish reasons, things might have turned out better.
there are just so many things that happened within this span of one year here.
being pushed to so many responsibilities because there was no one else to do it.
having to take up so many roles because the votes came in that way.
going the mile to fulfil some standards that were simply expected of me.
and in return, i've only brought myself so much tears and pain.
once again, i have to make a decision. not for myself, but for someone else to be able to get going. are you being fair again?
it's not about how i feel.
about whether i want to take it up.
about whether it's the right position for me.
about whether i want to make this choice for myself.
instead, it is a matter of me having to take this particular role up so that the rest can get going to do what concerns them.
what about me?
it's been like this for so many times, and this time i'm really tired. i want to be selfish enough to say that i can't do it. i want to be selfish enough to reject anything that comes my way. i want to be selfish, for once.
and with everything that broke me down once again, it's gonna be hard for me to not be selfish. selflessness has a huge price to pay, and i don't have the strength to be up for it again.
i really really want my space and time away from everything. i've lost sight of my starting point with every fall i take, and i need to slowly pick myself up.
just give me back what has been taken away from me for once.Labels: kaleidoscope
group1 soared @ 23:52
xoxo