20070302
in my chains.
finally getting some time to sit in front of the computer to contribute to this dying space, albeit it being 3am and me being superbly tired. it's of those "i really need to write something down" kind of days.
so everything came and went. IHG's over. chinese new year's over. productions' over. mid-term break's over. but i'm still at a standstill. why do i feel like i've done nothing when in fact, i don't even recall having quantity, or to even mention, quality sleep.
night after night i go to bed with a mind full of lil' notes of what i need to do the next day when wake up. if you can ever post-it my brain, i'll choose yellow and it'll be a mess of yellow up there. yellow for a tinge of hope, in a place where a lack of it prevails. and at the end of the day, i go to bed feeling angry with myself. i feel angry for not rejecting the many things i'm doing. and i feel angry for allowing others to come into my life to wreck it. i feel angry for picking up the loose ends of these wreckers. i feel angry for seeking perfection in the things i do. and i feel angry for failing in perfection. i feel angry for the lack of time. and i feel angry for not utilising it properly.
and above all, i am angry for harbouring such thoughts. since i have taken up the responsibilities, why can't i spare myself the emotions and get them over and done with?
is it wrong to feel? is it wrong to think that everything is more than just the superficial requirements asked of it? is it wrong to want to fulfill the basic responsibilities handed out to you?
apparently it is. you made me feel this way. you made me feel like a complete idiot, running around trying to get the job done while you bask in your slow moving time, oblivious to the directional rush we've been pushed to. you made me feel stupid, in a way that i never perceived myself to be.
i feel stupid. and i feel like an idiot. i feel that i've been degraded to inhumane conditions.
and i feel disgusted in the knowing that someone like you is capable of making me feel this way.
"oh dear you look so lost.
eyes are red and tears are shed.
this world you must have crossed."
but you don't know me.
you don't even care.
you don't know me.
you don't wear my chains.
do you know?Labels: kaleidoscope
group1 soared @ 03:15
xoxo