20070814
journey ended, with apologies.
so it's all over.
a journey that started 11 weeks ago. a journey that started off well, but ended off in a painful way. a journey that was so long, too long.
11 weeks ago we embarked on a journey to bring triumph back to the hall. to build a float that will stand tall and proud, in the name of our hall. we gave our commitment to this project, a project that we call ours.
it all started off well, albeit being asked to do marketing, something that i'm not exactly fond of. it was hard having to beg people for the sponsorship of materials, but even harder when nobody understands why marketing takes time. when nobody understands that the materials don't appear in front of us with a click of our fingers. when nobody understands how hard it is to get certain materials, sometimes.
what i set off to find in this committee, i failed to, in the first few weeks. but i kept my spirits up by being the happier and more cheerful person in the committee. by talking to everyone else and making silly jokes during meal times. by being someone that i am really uncomfortable being. but still, i never found what i was searching for.
it was weird being in a committee without a head. without directions. without a goal. without anyone with a final say.
four weeks into the project, things got so messy that there was an immediate need to elect a head. it was hard for the seniors to have to chaperone us. and even harder for them to come running back whenever we have a problem, which we often do. we were locked into a room, and nominations were made and votes were casted.
sadly, my life crumbled down again that night. it happened too fast, and suddenly, i was heading this important project. i didn't agree to it, but neither did i disagree to it. we were whisked into a room to explain our new responsibilities, and only when we finally settled down in our room did everything sink in.
this huge responsibility, it's suddenly on my shoulders.
it was so hard to adapt. to have to give up so many things for this new responsibility. to forsake my tuition kids. to miss church service for so many weeks. to let go of soccer trainings. to lose the freedom to meet my family and friends. and eventually, to lose grasp of my own life.
the next seven weeks were tough. inexperience in this project struck us deeply, and we no doubt had to rely so much on the few seniors who came back to lend us a helping hand. and at times when we were alone, it was so hard to bear.
we tried to hang on for so long, until that day when harsh words simply met our ears.
"i think you all should just withdraw from this competition."
it was harsh, but it was the reality. one that we never dared to face for all this while. it gave us room to ponder upon, and it did strike us hard.
the next few weeks were tough, with some showing concern only for what they're doing, and not for the rest of the committee. with some insisting on their own ideas when it all didn't not flush well with the design. with some thinking that they're always right. with some thinking that help from freshies come naturally. with some saying so many wrong things, at so many wrong times. with a committee of people stubborn in their different ways.
"why do you have so little confidence in the committee? what makes you think we can't complete the float?"
"do whatever you wish!"
"my CCA is as important to me as this is important to you."
thousands of such statements lashed out at me, and all i could was to brace it and move on. i couldn't be affected, cause i had to be around to keep the committee running.
and the million external changes from the organising committee didn't serve to help much, at all. it was so hard trying to plan to get so many people and props halfway across the island in a single night.
the final two weeks were tough. in the hands that reached out to help, i found the true hearts of people. and in the hands that chose to slacken amidst them all, i lost hope in all.
it's not that i don't want to, but it was hard trying to get people to come down to help. how can i get people to come down to help people who don't even want to help themselves? how can i allow people to help ease this responsibility that ought to be taken on by us? it just wasn't fair.
an emotional and painful final two weeks. and i've never felt lonelier before. they say it's lonelier up there, and for once, i do agree with this. with the lies and excuses i heard again and again, i lost more hope.
D-day drew nearer, and in a blink of the year, we were right there, waiting for our presentation. the comparison to other halls was painful. it was a long day, but now it feels so short. and before long, our five minutes were over. at the prize presentation, we failed to bring triumph back to the hall once again.
i failed.
when i dropped my tears finally, it was definitely mixed emotions. i was happy that we managed to send a complete project to the very grounds for presentation. but i was sad that we fell short of the standards. i was angry that nobody else in the committee seemed to feel anything for it. and i was sorry for failing the hall, in front of so many people.
i'm sorry that i suck as the head. sorry for being so incapable of making great decisions and setting a direction for the committee. sorry for my lack of talent in good designs to awe the judges. and sorry for my lack in confidence, and the lack of hope i had in myself.
i wanted to stand up and make decisions. but without the experience, i feared for the decisions i make.
i wanted to take control over the people. but without the right authority from the start, it was way out of control for me.
i wanted to make myself useful as a head. but i was so lost, with everything dumped onto me, that i had not enough time to find out how to, and when i finally did, it was all too late.
there were so many things that i wanted to do, and so many great hope that i had. but with each passing day and time, i stopped being able to do so many things. there were other things that i had to take charge of, things different from what others did, and things that others never realised i was doing.
i should have just refused the appointment right from the start. it might have been selfish, but perhaps it would have given the hall a greater chance in winning an honour back for the people. the appointment is too high for me, and way beyond my capabilities.
in retrospect, it was simply a mistake for me to not refuse it. i tried my very best, but when you know your very best falls so short of the standards, it's futile. i'm just not cut out for this job. and i've never felt so useless in my entire life.
it was hard enough carrying this blame on my shoulders. but what broke me most was the lack of appreciation from these very people who made me feel so useless. for trying so hard, to my best abilities, but still being seen as not trying at all by them. for putting myself through the ardous journey only to discover my incapabilities, when all i had to do was to let go and leave because nothing gets appreciated anyway.
i am disappointed by my own lack of abilities. for being so useless. for being a failure, and for letting a whole hall down with my incapabilities.
and on top of that, i feel more useless in the knowing that the many things i've done are actually insignificant, and to realise that there is really so little that i can accomplish.
i know i'm gonna take a long long while to get over this. to try to bring myself up from this wreck that i am in. i can't even look at anyone's eyes and smile anymore, because i've let so many people down with what i cannot do. i will try to bring myself up, and i need time.
i'm really sorry for doing such a lousy job.
sorry.Labels: kaleidoscope
group1 soared @ 01:18
xoxo