20070522
shutting up, and away.
someone used to say that i write my entries in riddles. that they were beyond the daily rambles of "i-did-this-this-this today". that it's more about my life, but in a different perspective.
looking at my entries now, i think i stopped doing so. pretty much. what can i offer now? only visual images & entries of what i did.
and they said that only my close friends, who know what i am going through at every point in time, will be able to unravel the riddles and understand them.
perhaps that is why i stopped talking in riddles. stopped putting my personal perspective into words. and started my mundane daily rambles.
i don't want you to try to understand me.
i don't want you to pretend to.
i don't want you to stray away from my life intentionally, and yet try to find your place back in it by trying to understand what i'm going through.
you disappointed me again and again.
the lies, the cover-ups and more lies.
do you even realise that you're living a life of lies in front of me?
i stopped trying to understand you when you walked away from me. you're simply too complex for me. i tried to find excuses for you time and time again, but you never failed to disappoint me. and worst still, you allowed my personal thoughts to leak out. i thought you would know better. but i guess not. not anymore.
seriously, if you choose to walk away, then just walk away. don't expect to be exclusive, and yet inclusive at the same time. they simply don't exist together. it's not just us, but you also. have you even tried? have you tried to strike a good balance? no. you expect us to welcome you with open arms when you want to come back, only after living your exclusive life the way you want it, as and when you like.
i tried, but i can't bring myself too. perhaps i'm too weak inside, but you know how i hate the sense of betrayal.
when you walked away and left me alone that night, you gave me a complete understanding on how things are. yeah, life's sad but i guess i got to move on, without you.
i realised that i don't understand you. don't understand what you want. don't understand your intentions. don't understand what you're doing with your life. i never did, and i won't pretend that i do.
do you realise that you don't understand me? don't understand how i feel? don't understand how i tried? don't understand how i'm adjusting my life but you keep coming back in? you never did, and please don't pretend that you do.
it'll be easier to walk away now, sooner than later. i'm sorry if i have to be the one to put a stop to this, but this is easier for me. i'm selfish in every way, but i know that i cannot take such blows. i never had the capacity to, not previously, and not now. i need to save myself from more hurt, this hurt that you're putting me through.
perhaps when you finally find yourself, and know what you truly want in your life, we can talk again. and till then, i guess i need some time away to find myself, without you. this is the only thing i seek for you to understand.
and please, don't bother with anything after this. i never exactly had the heart to listen or to read, because i don't want to be exposed to more lies.
yes, i'll just shut up from you and go away.Labels: kaleidoscope
group1 soared @ 23:08
xoxo