20070518
in loving memory of you and you, my friends.Isz Sazli
left us in the glory of the nation, 11th May 2007.
left us in the glory of the nation, 11th May 2007.
my college mate. my fellow CCA leader. my AB campmate. my fellow AB camp instructor. my friend. your departure came as a shock to me. news of it came late 'cause i was away, and it was intentionally held from me because i wasn't able to take yet another shock. but now i've taken it. i haven't seen you since that night when Victor played in Momo. that night when i appeared with my other friends and hardly had time for you and Victor. i can still remember the scene vivdly, where we were perched up on the high chairs and talking. topics then revolved around the universities we'll be heading to. and like me, you have a place in arts. you planned to major in psychology too, right? that was the night. we parted and spent the night in the presence of our other friends. and that was the last time i saw you.our friendship was short. it started all in college, when we still had those CCA heads meetings with Miss Siau. the workshops we had and the lil' bonding sessions. AB camp brought us closer together, and i'll always remember the jokes you said in attempts to brighten our moods during the draining camp. i can still hear your voice in my head. the way you spoke was different; your voice was unclear at times, but we always understood what you meant.
you were always giving your all for council. i always see you hanging around the council room till the sun sets and it gets all dark and scary in school. you with the rest of the student councillors, smiling and laughing despite the huge burden on your shoulders. and i'll remember how you always greet me cheerfully along the corridors of the college, without fail.
you are always so committed. and now, you gave your last commitment to the nation. you let go of many other commitments - your family, your friends and your future ahead, but i know at least, you gave your best even to your very last breath. that's something you will be proud of, and that's something we should all be proud of for you.
there are so many times when i thought i saw you in varsity. there's this guy who looks just like you, but everytime i take a second look, i know you're not the one. he just doesn't greet me the way you do. but i'll never get the chance to see you in varsity.
i'll miss you, and all the memories we've had in our laughter, tears and sweat during the good ol' CCA leaders days in AJC. i believe you're resting in a good place now, and you are, and will always form a part of the memories i hold about college.
goodbye, Isz.
* * * * *
Alex Lim
departed peacefully surrounded by his loved ones, 13th May 2007
departed peacefully surrounded by his loved ones, 13th May 2007
Alex Sir. there're so many things that i want to say to you, but i just didn't have the chance to. so many questions that i want to ask you, but before i could open my mouth to ask, you lost your ability to answer.Sir. always my FADIS Sir whom i look up to. you were fierce and all, pumping us in the public in the wee hours of the night. making us carry all the stretchers and first aid kits while marching around SAFTI. and you always stood up for us. to the army guys who always tried to talk to us and disturb us during our duties. to the personnel who bullied us during National Camp. you always fought for our rights.
and there was another side of you. the playful side of you, who was always thinking of fun things to do during our training days. and how you and the other sirs partied the night away during our passing out, right there in Haw Par Hall with a disco ball and dance music. and how you never failed to tease me about every gram of weight that i've put on. and how you always gave me that look. i can't really describe it, but it was a look between us. maybe a lil' secret we shared when we found out about our mothers' friendship? and the nice side of you, the you who bought us cheng teng during National Camp when we were all suffering.
i can still remember the way you walk, the little sashay you always have in your strides. the way you talk, the serious straight tone at times and the teasing joking tone at others. the way you laugh, the way you simply throw your head backwards and laugh heartily.
i just want you to know that i've always looked up to you for being such a great fighter, and you've shown your resilience to the very last second. you've been brave to endure through the numerous battles life has put you through. when you finally gave up and passed on, i know you haven't. you were just brave enough to choose another path, to go to a more peaceful place, away from this ugly world.
i'm sorry that i didn't get to see you for a last time. for that Sunday when i couldn't make it down to the hospital. for being at the airport, departing when i saw the message about your critical conditions. for being far away in another land when i learnt about your passing on. i'm sorry, i really am. i hope you heard the words Joan conveyed to you for me.
Alex Sir, i'll miss you. i'll keep the lil' photos i have and the lanyard and trophy from FADIS, for these are the memories i have of you, Sir. i hope life's great up there, the way you will like it to be. please don't forget us when you're partying up there and looking down on us. Sir, thank you for all the great life lessons you've taught me.
goodbye for one last time, Alex Sir.
* * * * *
life has a great way of playing tricks on me. two pieces of heartbreaking news when i was away from the country. Abba Father, are you taking the physical pain of me being present away? i don't know. i felt so sucky in Korea. so sucky in front of the computer when i learnt about Alex Sir's passing on. so sucky when all i could do was to drop my tears silently in front of the computer, away from the rest. so sucky when i stood outside the dorm room, the only place where i could be alone, and cried my heart out in the freezing cold. so sucky when i broke down again in the room and lost my voice to pray for him. so sucky when i had to smile and laugh and enjoy the trip like i should, even when i get reminded of him at times. so sucky when after hours of touching down, i learnt about Isz's passing on. so sucky when it happened so long ago, but i only knew about it now because one piece of bad news was enough for me and i was supposed to be on holiday. so sucky when i had to flip back the old newspapers to find out what happened. so sucky to know that suddenly, i've lost two dear friends in my life. so sucky to know that i didn't even get to say goodbye to both of them.
what exactly is life putting me through? by taking something away, and giving something else. the letter about the TA arrived when i was away. i saw the email about a change of date in the scholarship presentation but i wasn't too sure. and it was a day after i formally learnt about Alex Sir's passing on. and i tried to keep myself in denial. so it came. and they're offering it to me. it's something i so desire. but i can't find the joy now. and to look back, i know i enjoyed the trip. but it's now hard for me to not associate the pain of loss to the trip.
i feel so lost. is happiness of a constant quantity? that we must give up some in order to achieve others? i don't understand. i need a good rest, to sort out my thoughts, to find a way out of this maze. i'm sorry if i appeared too emotional, but this pain is really hard to bear.
guys, i miss you two so.
Labels: beyondwords
group1 soared @ 00:54
xoxo