20060704
a getaway.
there is no longer any more impetus for me to go on.
i've tried to smile and nod out of respect but deep down i struggle to give you the respect you demand.
i've tried to close my eyes and push out all the negative thoughts but they just find their way back to me.
i've tried to push myself on but i find myself being pulled away strongly.
i've tried to hold on to but i simply can't find a reason to.
i'm sorry if i'll be disappointing anybody, but seriously i think that's hardly the case. i need my time alone, away from this place. i need time alone 'cause i don't want to put on a smile when i really want to cry. i need time alone 'cause i don't want to say yes when i really mean no. i need time alone 'cause it's been too much, simply too much for me to handle. there was a time when this and my personal life was separated by the simple aspect of respect for me. but now, the intrusion has been so great that i really want to get my personal space back. i want to do the things i truly want to pursue, and not load myself with things that you want me to do. i want to seek joy from the things i do in my lfe, and not do things and attempt to source some minimum joy from it, even if it meant that i have to change my self-definition of what joy really holds for me.
i've tried. too much, for too long. i need to get away now. now, when i can leave with at least the wonderful memories of what the years held for me. i need to get away before the smiles encased in my heart fade away with the increasing hidden tears. i need to get away.
if there's a way to set my soul free, this must be it.
group1 soared @ 23:34
xoxo