20050829
senseless ramblings.
saw this around sometime back.
"as you experience life more and more, you'll realise that you are understanding it less and less."
so here i am, standing at seventeen years of age (yes, i'm not eighteen yet! but that's not the point), feeling that i've experienced so much that i'm really losing the understanding that i always thought i had.
there's just been so much around. a lil' too much, perhaps. the good and the bad. and more of the latter in recent years. in recent months. and in recent days.
i've finally realised that i don't really understand people. people like you and me. i used to think about situations involving the people around me. and when i've come to an explanation for the things that should have been or should not have been, i lay down the verdict and close the case. and yes, the good ones goes to the memory for safekeeping. and the bad? they simply go away.
i thought i understood people. i thought i knew what was going on. i thought things were simple. well, at least i wished they were.
i guess i need to stop trying to understand everything around me. and everyone. as cliche as this may sound, ignorance is definitely bliss. since i can't give complete understanding, i might as well not. at least i've tried. it works the same way as an assignment, a task. if you know you can't commit whole-heartedly to it even though you have put in all your energy and effort in it, just move on. you know at least you've tried.
someone once told me that when we point out flaws in others, we do so because we possess the same traits, or rather the lack of. we point them out because we want to plunge ourselves into self-denial. by diverting the attention away.
i don't know how true that is. and i'm in no position to say and to judge. i know i'm not perfect. definitely not perfect. i'm not a perfect daughter to the parents who gave life to me. i'm not the perfect sibling to the brother and sister who guided me through my years. i'm not the perfect child to Him who stands by me always. i'm not the perfect friend to the people around me. i'm not the perfect student in that academic insitution. i'm not a perfect person. in fact, i'm far from it.
maybe it's just too much for me to really see this world as its ugliest. maybe 'cause i still have the idea of my utopia deeply etched in my mind.
i don't know how much sense my words mean. perhaps they're just a bunch of senseless ramblings. perhaps my thoughts are trying to find their way around.
just had a bad day. a really bad one.
and i'm not longer gonna run away from my troubles. i want to face them, ask myself what happened, tell myself what i have to do and to just let them go. if i can't understand others, the least i can do is to understand myself.
i'm thankful for the reassurance. you guys have allowed me to see the glimmer even now.
"when the world brings you to your knees, you're in a perfect position to pray."
group1 soared @ 22:36
xoxo