detached.
separated. disconnected. standing apart.
away from everyone one.
detachment just grows day by day. with no thanks to changes in timetable, leaving the minority us to end later than the rest. with no thanks to the different directions for lectures. with no thanks to breaks that don't fit with each other's.
i can feel myself drifting further and further away from everyone else. and nearer to my books. i seriously have no idea if this is good or bad.
is it just me? just my differences that's pulling us apart?
or is everyone else changing? with the exams just round the corner and everything, nobody seems interested to keep anything together anymore.
every day is simply so vacuous. complete with facades. leading to detachment.
for once, i feel totally detached.
in another sense, i don't wanna cling onto things.
"take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what i'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. if you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. you're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. you're afraid of the vulnerablility that loving entails."
'but by throwing youself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. you know what pain is. you know what love is. you know what grief is. and only then can you say, 'all right. i have experienced that emotion. i recognize that emotion. now i need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"
- Morrie "Tuesdays With Morrie"
i got to put all those aside and learn to experience the other emotions in the world. no longer just loithering around hanging on by a moment and feeling sorry for myself. and no longer refusing to move ahead in fear of what the future holds.
it's been one entire year. it's obsolete now. totally useless to hold onto anything. anything that we had.
i vaguely remembered tidying my room during the mid-term holidays. and clearing out that box. that box of memories. threw away everything i saw. until i came across the photos. the two photos in particular. and i had no idea what to do with them. tear them up into pieces? burn them? or continue keeping them, while waiting for something that will never come. i was completely lost. to such a point that the only thing i could do was to stuff them back into the box and carried on with the cleaning up.
it's like the stashing up of emotions. i never had the courage to face reality. to understand what i had was gone. and to stand up again. all i could do was to run away from it, away from the fear. the further i am away from it, the safer i am right?
i was wrong. we are living on a rounded globe. no matter how far we run, we can never get away from it. it's always there, somewhere there. and sooner or later we've got to face it.
so now i have the answer on what to do with the photos. i shall keep them alongside the many photos i've taken with my friend. and fixing him back into that status. or perhaps a lost friend.
and i've learnt to detach myself from it.
detach. detaching. detached.
maybe i should just shell myself up like a snail. away from the world.
group1 soared @ 01:07
xoxo