20050228
roller-coaster.
i feel like i've been on a roller-coaster ride with my emotions.
early in the morning. heats. the memories of the baton being dropped right in front of me and my helplessness came flowing back. the memories of how we dropped from first to second last in that matter of a split second came flowing back. so much so that i had a phobia. so much was going through my mind. i was so scared that the baton will drop in front of me again. i was so scared that i might drop the baton. i was just scared. i need to get out of that fear.
the emotions went up when i finally overcame my fear and our group came in second for that heat. twelve girls you all rawk! love you guys man! Lam and I were cheering so happily! -grinns- hope that our timing is good enough.
they took a deep plunge as the day progressed. fear of the two common tests. i don't know. i don't remember feeling so scared even during my O's. the closest was probably the prelims, but i knew then, i had more emotional support. i was just really scared. i didn't study Maths. i know i will never score for it. i don't deserve to 'cause i didn't study for it. i tried to take a can't-be-bothered attitude towards it but i couldn't. i felt like i've let my teachers down. why are i giving up hope without even trying. guilt just overcame me. you know, the self-blaming state. the times when i just kept thinking why didn't i start studying earlier. i had never felt worse.
then was the worrying for Physics test. her anticipation. her expectations of us. i was so scared that i'm going to disappoint her yet again. i felt so stupid. she spent so much time trying to drill the concepts in us. she put so much effort in us, just hoping that we'll score. but i just can't seem to. my puny brain seemed too tiny to contain anything. i was certain that i'll never reach her expectations.
worry. fear. stress. too much emotions.
the tests are over. i don't wanna think about them.
sometimes i wonder. what the hell am i doing in a JC? i'm obviously not cut out for it. my puny brain can never contain the avalanche of information thrown to me.
and i thought the day was over. i thought those emotions were enough.
but i guess not. sometimes ignorance really is bliss. but then again, i don't seem to feel anything when i saw it. i'm not particularly sad. neither do i feel like crying. i just feel, disappointed in you. whatever it is, it's good that you've found your happiness.
on a lighter note, i'm quite happy. ((: but i do wanna know what you're thinking. well, maybe.
the roller-coaster ride was pretty tiring. life is getting tiring. fatigue seemed to have permanently resided in me. i'm going on a hiatus. till my life gets better. till then.
group1 soared @ 19:21
xoxo